Reflections on the last few days

Sorry About That

My last two posts have been something less than cheery. Part visit from The Black Dog, part anger over the insulting post, I lost track of the positives for a little bit. Sorry about that.

But I feel much better now.

I am by nature an intense person. I let that tendency get the better of me.

Along the road at the Ride for Autism

I am feeling good overall and I should let that out a bit more.

I am truly enjoying my new job. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I have a good fit at work.

I am also enjoying the part-time gig at the Local Bike Shop. Great group of people and I get to talk bikes all day. How could that be bad?

I am having trouble finding the opportunity during the week to ride but I am getting in my miles on weekends. If the weather allows, I will ride my bike to the shop each day this weekend for work and I will do the early morning ride on Sunday at the bike shop as well. That should bring me close to 100 miles for the weekend.

It is a funny thing, emotions. How one little insect was able to ruin a harvest of good feelings from the wonderful weekend I spent riding with my friend NI and then hanging out. Foolish of me to allow it.

The Ride For Autism (again)

I know I wrote about it a little yesterday and I hope you will forgive a revisit.

I had a great time. I felt great on the hills, I felt great in general. It is a wonderful thing to be at the 25 mile point and not feel any weariness when engaged in a 50+ mile ride. So much has changed in the last year. A year ago NI had to put his hand on my back and push me up a hill. No need this year. This year I had all that I needed to ride. A great feeling in deed.

The people who organize the ride did a fine job. The rest areas were good, the ride reasonably well-marked, the post ride meal a vast improvement over last years, though soft tacos were a challenge to handle.

You can count on me doing the ride again next year.

Maybe someday there will be no need for the Ride For Autism…

My Quest For a Century

In cycling a Century refers to a 100-mile ride. It is something of a badge of honor for the weekend cyclist to say they have ridden 100 miles and I know many cyclists who can tell you every detail of their first century.

Even when I was young and deeply involved in cycling, I never rode a Century. Came close. Did 65 miles rides, 70 miles. Never broke 100.

I have set challenges for myself all along the Journey.

The High Point-Cape May ride is high on that list. Even though the ride will be 208+ miles, we will not do a Century. We will likely do 60 the first day (the hilliest section) and then 75 each the last two days. No century.

So I am looking for a century ride before the summer is out.

Why?

Because I know it will push me to a psychological limit. I have never gone there. I don’t know if I can. It is my personal distance barrier. The place I have never gone and thus I am a little intimidated by it.

This Journey has been all about pushing myself past the limits I have imposed on myself.

Breaking this one down will be one more important step in redefining myself.

Anyone want to come along?

Experimenting in the Kitchen

Our friends PG and DG came to dinner Sunday night.

I made salmon marinated in low sodium soy sauce and ginger. Slow cooked on the grill, served with grilled Kabocha squash, roasted onion and mushrooms steamed on the grill with sun-dried tomatoes, rosemary and mild chili powder. We served this with a green salad. All very good. All very low-calorie and yet filling.

Tonight I am going to try to invent a new recipe for vegetarian stuffed grape leaves Starting with red and black rice and red lentils, some finely chopped onion, fresh dill and some other spices…. I will let you know how this works out.

I have been asked several times if my meals are boring without red meats. I now reply that my meals are much more varied than they were 18 months ago. With the range of vegetables available year-round now, our meal have grown in diversity. Yes, we eat a great deal of Kabocha squash when we can find it. We also eat six or seven types of rice, a variety of lentils, many different beans and greens. We eat 4 or 5 varieties of fish and we have discovered vegetables and fruits we never knew existed.

Our range of cuisines has expanded. We now frequently eat Indian food and eat a wide range of dishes. We have Japanese and Chinese, African and South American foods.

Think about that range as you eat that burger and fries for the third time this week.

Not everything we have tried has been wonderful Several fruits and veggies we have tried have been less than enjoyable but most have added variety to our menu. I had never cooked plantains or quinoa, only rarely had couscous and had no idea that there were white sweet potatoes or purple potatoes.

Among the many food stuffs in my kitchen right now are the grape leaves, five kinds of rice, a bag of fresh lychee, Kabocha and butternut squash, a variety of chutney, two types of curry powder, dried chilies, four types of fish, plums, apples, onions, and a range of greens.

Nothing dull or boring.

I think the best thing I did in terms of adding variety was eliminating red meat.

Peace

May 29, 2013
by mrmarkls 2 Comments

New Goals, a Growing Understanding

Reinvention

At the emotional level, I think I was fat in high school, photographic evidence to the contrary. The emotional landscape is a tricky place.

Though it took me a long time to realize it, this Journey has always been about reinvention. It has been about creating an improved me. At first it was just about the body. Lose weight and get fit. Soon I came to understand that for me to reach the goals I set for weight loss and fitness I had to address the emotions behind the physical me.

I have written about this many times; my need to understand the why behind the excess weight and the constant eating and the underlying needs that the food was feeding. I also had to face the facts that the weight gave me something to hide behind. If I was “The Fat Man” in the group I had an identity that was my own. I didn’t have to establish myself. My size established me, defined me, and categorized me. Everything that came after, the gregariousness, the loudness, the talkativeness, the humor, all came after the size. In new situations I could hide behind my size.

As I lost the weight I often wrote about trying to figure out who I am if I am not “The Fat Man”.

If you are picking up an undercurrent of insecurity, well yes, that is a big part of it all.

I am convinced that a factor in gaining back the weight for many who have traveled a similar Journey is this insecurity, addressing the physical side without addressing the emotions behind it. There is a loss of identity in weight loss. My image of myself is of a fat man. I KNOW I was lean in high school. I remember that I weighed in the 170’s and peaked around 200 pounds by the time I graduated but I still have a moment of surprise when I see the pictures of the lean teenager I was. I think I was always fat.

I came to realize that for this weight loss to be a permanent thing, for me to stay below my maximum allowable weight (205 pounds), I would have to become the lean me emotionally not only physically.

I am self-conscious with a plate of food in my hand. I still think I am the big fat guy overeating. I have to understand that I am not a fat guy. I am not thin. This much I know, but I am not fat. I am more lean. I am fit. I know this intellectually. I have to understand it emotionally and I am not there yet.

This is the reinvention. I have to become the lean me. I have to think lean but more to the point I have to FEEL lean. I have to see myself as lean and fit. I still see myself as fat.

Without the fat to hide behind I find that I talk less. I am quieter. Now understand that all things are relative and I am still a chatty guy. It is a matter of degrees. When I started to Hike with PGB and MT I would talk the entire hike (when not gasping for air). I am now content to chat a little and enjoy the act of the hike. Maybe PGB and MT hear it differently but that is my perception.

I am reinventing my person. Growing more comfortable with the skin I am in. I am stretching myself.

I have recently accepted a part-time job at a Local Bike Shop, combining my love of cycling with my gregarious nature. I am stretching myself to pursue a deeper involvement in this avocation.

Reinvention.

I didn’t know it back 18 months ago that this was all about reinvention. I know it now.

My New Weight Goal

After nine months at or below my goal weight, after successfully maintaining my weight through the winter months and the unusually cold and wet spring, I am now ready to reset the weight goal.

I am still medically overweight. That is to say according to the Body Mass Index (yes a highly flawed measure) I am still in the “overweight” range.

I have a BMI of about 26. To fall in to the normal range I need a BMI of 24.9 or less. That would be 191 pounds. I am 200 right now.

I don’t know that I will get to 191 and that is not truly my goal. Knowing the BMI is highly flawed and does not take in to account bone structure or muscle mass, I am aiming for a BMI of 25.4 or 195 pounds. I am adjusting my weight chart to reflect this new goal and I will change the “Weighty Issues” section of this blog to reflect the new goal.

Why? Well not simply for the BMI. The reality is I am still carrying too high a percentage of fat on my frame. I still have a belly on me. I am looking at buying a scale that measures fat percentage. I know they are not extremely accurate but they tend to be consistent. That will give me the base line and help me track my progress.

With just five or six pounds to go to the new goal I plan to take it slowly, keeping calories at the current level and increasing the activity. The plan is to continue improving my fitness and building muscle mass and reduce the fat percentage. This will result in slow going to the goal. I will get there.

This will all result in a healthier and stronger me. I am looking at upper body workouts now. Has to help.

So there it is; my new goal.

Plans

On Saturday I had thought about going for a hike but then I remembered I start my new part-time gig on Saturday. I am JAZZED. On Sunday I am riding in the Bergen County Bike Tour in Bergen County NJ. 45 miles and I have only ridden 20 miles since May 5. Oh My! Well at least I can breathe again as the lingering effects of the head cold are finally drifting off.

Saturday June 8 I am in the Ride 4 Autism, doing a metric Century (62 miles equals 100 kilometers) with my good friends KG and NI.

Sunday I will work at the Bike shop. I plan to ride to work and back and in this way get in my 30 miles. If I get there early enough I can also do the club ride and get a really good day of riding in.

I like these plans. I like making plans. Making plans has been a major factor, if not THE major factor, in my weight loss and fitness. Heck, I even call it “The Plan”.

I think a mistake that is common on Journeys such as this is failing to plan. I plan everything. Meal, hikes, walk, rides, sleep….

Without the plans I would be lost.

With the plans I have found an entirely new me, though I am still figuring out who that is.

Peace

May 26, 2013
by mrmarkls 5 Comments

Contemplations and a Weekend

My Roller Coaster

When I started this Journey in December 2011 I really had no clue what I was getting in to. I didn’t know that I would soon start a blog and would expose every raw nerve to anyone who happened across my writings.

I didn’t know that emotions would play such a large part in the Journey. I didn’t realize it was a Journey at all at the time.

I started the Journey because I was fat and it bothered me to be fat. I felt awful all the time. I was physically uncomfortable all the time. It was only after I started the work to take off the weight that I started to really explore the emotions and psychology of all this.

In this blog I have shared with everyone who cared to read about it most of the emotions I have experienced as I traveled along. Al of the anger, fear, anxiety, depression, joy, pleasure, rapture, exultation and so on of this trip has been laid out before you.

I would say up days have been more common than down days but it is close. For each time I was overjoyed by an accomplishment, there would be a nearly offsetting day of depression or anxiety.

This journey has been a rocky one to be sure. It has also been overwhelmingly worthwhile.

As I have battled all of these ups and downs I have also explored the reasons for them.

I am working on putting these thoughts in to a blog post and I will post it soon.

The Weekend Trip

What had started out as a family trip to my brother’s family home I for the Memorial Weekend Cookout his family hosts each year turned in to a Father-Son weekend for the Younger one and me. With Missus down with a respiratory infection,we decided that I would take the younger one and Missus and the older one and the two hounds would stay home. Instead of leaving at silly o’clock Saturday morning the younger and I left Friday afternoon, pulling in to the hotel at 10:00 PM.

At the Museum

Instead of spending Saturday morning in the car, the younger and I were able to enjoy a relaxed yet light breakfast and then went to the Air and Space museum at Dulles International before heading off to the cookout.

The Younger One in front of the Space Shuttle

One of the most satisfying aspects of the weight loss and the fitness has been the ability to do what I could not contemplate before. When all was said and done and the Younger and I had explored every nook and cranny of the museum, my FITBIT said we had walked a little over three and a half miles. Then we went to the cookout where I essentially stood or walked the entire day from 1:30 until we headed back to the hotel at 9:30.

The Space Shuttle. WE were the first visitors of the day to get to the Shuttle display and we were able to take pictures without people in the way!

The Younger One at the Museum

To do this two years ago was simply not in the range of my abilities. I would not have been able to walk three plus miles and then stand and walk and climb stairs and chat and walk and stand and climb stairs… Barely sitting at all the entire day. Could not have done it. I would have been exhausted and in great discomfort.

It was easy yesterday.

I really enjoyed the museum. I loved the cookout. Spending the weekend with The Younger One? PRICELESS!

The Cookout

Controlling my eating at the cookout was a failure. I over-ate. By a bunch. I had brownies. I had a cupcake. I had a cookie. I had several bowls of vegetarian chili. I had two chicken skewers. I had some salads, many strawberries, etc. I did NOT have red meat or diet soda or regular soda or alcohol or a myriad of other not so good for me foods but what I ate I ate much of.

I think I had about 3500 calories yesterday and I am not really happy with my lack of discipline. I decided to allow myself the day of excess and to not beat myself up about it but today I beat myself up pretty good….

I did get up early this morning and do a mile + on the treadmill at the hotel and I have kept today’s calorie count below 2000. I did enjoy yesterday but giving in to temptation and eating to excess still frightens me.

Much of my conversation yesterday had to do with how much weight I have lost and how I did it. Some of the people there have not seen me in two years, most have not seen me in a year. Several did not recognize me until my Brother introduced me. One refused to believe I could have lost that much weight (we had never met before) until I showed him the before picture.

I enjoy the conversations. I truly do. Who does not like to hear the kudos and huzzahs? Still I am starting to feel like a one trick pony. It is as if I have nothing else to say… I have to work on this.

I guess it is natural for people to be curious about how and why. The how has always been easier for me to explain than the why. Silly as that sounds. The why is rather complicated. On the surface of course it is because being 100+ pounds over weight is unhealthy and uncomfortable and I hated it. But that is not what people are asking when they ask why. They are asking why did it become so important to you that you have been able to lose it and keep it off when so many fail in their efforts to lose it and most who do lose it can’t keep it off. What happened? Why is it working for you.

That is the harder question to answer because I don’t really know.

The cookout was a little smaller this year I think as the weather was cooler than normal for this time of year. It was still wonderful. Seeing my Nephews and my niece and their friends and the friends of my brother and his wife is always fun for me. Being so comfortable in the skin I am in made it much more fun.

My cousin the cardiologist was at the part y this year. He has not seen me in person in a couple of years though he has seen the pictures. His JOY at seeing the new lean me was palpable. When a cardiologist sings your praise it feels good.

So a weekend with The Younger One, a wonderful cookout, praise from friends and family and forgiving myself for over indulgence and getting right back on plan the next day and Sunday breakfast with my brothers family. A really wonderful weekend

Peace

May 22, 2013
by mrmarkls 3 Comments

Today and All that it is

Lunch Today

Holding Steady

For lunch today I stepped out to the local A&P store and went to the salad bar. A couple of cups of spinach, cucumber, tomato, salad dressing, some pineapple and berries and I was good to go. Later I calculated it all out and lunch was a grand total of 250 calories.

This is easy for me. It wasn’t always but it is now. I passed a Chinese buffet, three pizza parlors, one bagel joint, a Memphis BBQ place, and a McDonald’s’ on my way to the A&P and the salad bar.

I would have given up on the A&P and gone to anyone of the temptations listed above. Not now. I think about it. I think about how much I love a good Chinese buffet. I love BBQ. I even like McDonald’s.

I just don’t eat that way. I don’t eat red meat so the McDonald’s is pretty much out. I rarely have pizza (two slices in the last year plus) and today is not a day for bagels….

Salad Bar.

Lovely woman cashier teased me about the light lunch. “Thin as you are you should eat more than a salad”. When I told her I had lost 100+ pounds and that is why I eat this lightly She was amazed, congratulated me and told me I look wonderful. I heard her telling the cashier next to her “that guy lost 100 pounds!” as I walked towards the door.

I will be walking a little lighter today from the good feeling that gave me.

Just after I finished my lunch my boss poked his head in my office and asked if I wanted to order Chinese. Old Days: Despite having the salad I say YES and order General Tso’s Chicken. Today? No thanks, just ate. Had I not had a salad? I would have ordered soup.

You can do it. It just takes making the right decisions one decision at a time.

Lessons I am learning:

When I started this Journey I was petrified at the thought of allowing any sort of indulgence. I still avoid them. The reason is simple: allow it today, becomes OK tomorrow, becomes 310 pounds….

My Recent Indulgence. Birthday Cake for Missus. The Younger and I baked it together

Now that I am below my goal weight I have learned that I can have one bad day and get back on it the next day. I still watch it like a hawk and I expect I always will but I have learned to not panic if I allow that one day out of 30 where the calorie count goes high or the piece of birthday cake is a little too large… I have developed the discipline to allow that on the very rare occasion and still get back to the plan, keep on track. That I have maintained my weight below the goal weight since last August 8, 2012 is evidence that I am able to get back to plan very quickly after a day on the wild side.

I will not get smug about this. I am still ever watchful. I must be. I just won’t panic now if I have that one day above plan. I have learned to not let it become two days.

I have had to learn to listen to my body. I never did. I certainly didn’t listen when I was getting it beyond heavy to obese. I pushed past the warning signals, the cry for mercy. I simply refused to hear. As I started my Journey I maintained the same habit. I would not listen when my body begged me to rest. I pushed because I knew my body was a liar. I was asking it to wok and it was telling me it couldn’t. This was why I tried to cycle even though I had injured my knee. I wanted to believe I could push my body past the pain and keep up the activity level and the calorie burn.

I pushed when I had head colds, the flu, aches and pains. I am certain I made problems worse (I certainly did with my knee) by doing this but I was driven to get fit.

Now I am working on listening. I have been dealing with the remnants of a head cold and I dearly wanted to get on the bike last night. I had to listen to the body. It told me no. The body said it wasn’t ready. My body was right. I mowed the lawn and then I had to rest on the porch for a bit. If I had tried to cycle I would have been calling Missus asking her to come fetch me.

I am learning to trust what my body tells me. Not all the way there yet, I still suspect the body of lying now and again, but I am getting there.

Confusing People

Pizza day in the office at work tomorrow. I didn’t know anything about this until I got a text a little while ago from a woman in the office telling me not to bring lunch because they are ordering in pizza.

I texted back a thanks but mentioned I don’t eat pizza and will have my normal lunch.

The reply text? “Really? NO PIZZA???”

It confuses people.

Yes I did say above that I can allow the occasional indulgence. That was birthday cake this weekend past. It isn’t pizza tomorrow. Discipline.

People see me as lean. They don’t know what it took to get here. It confuses them. I am lean, why not enjoy a slice or two? Because I plan to stay lean.

Decisions. As I said above, making the right decisions one decision at a time.

Peace

May 16, 2013
by mrmarkls 8 Comments

Sick at Home

I have a head cold. Missus will tell you, with a great deal of truth, that I am a terrible patient. I hate being sick (doesn’t everyone) and I tend to get the worst of it when a cold or the flu goes through the family, as it is now.

It started with the Younger One and moved on to Missus and now I have it. Last night was hell. No sleep, pain in my throat, congestion. Sigh. I hate colds…

So I am catching up on some blog stuff.

It is almost two weeks since the Five Boro Bike tour and I am still enjoying the glow of a fun ride and time with good friends, new and old.

I hope to be well enough to ride on Saturday or Sunday. I didn’t ride last weekend, though I did hike, and I want to get on the bike…..

Yes you CAN

This is a steady theme on this blog. YOU can lose weight. Don’t dare tell me you can’t. You can get out and get exercise, get fit, lose weight. YOU CAN.

I did. I have lost the weight, I am keeping it off. I am getting more and more fit. I decided to do it. I put my mind, heart and soul in to doing it.

You can do it.

I am worn out by people telling me I did a great job, wish they could lose weight like that but they just CAN’T.

The body knows no secret to keeping weight on. Don’t feed it and you will lose weight. Under feed it and you will lose weight slower. YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT.

When I was a waiter at a Catskill Mountain resort in the late 1970′s, there was a masseuse at the hotel who was as wide as she was tall, let’s call her Sally. I worked the Children’s/Athletic Staff dining room and Sally ate her meals, three times a day, in my dining room. Lunch was always interesting. She would order the salad platter. A scoop of Tuna Salad, a scoop of Egg Salad, lettuce, tomato, some other vegetables. The platter was probably a reasonable 600 calories or so. Sally would then reward herself for eating the salad platter by having two pieces of cake.

Then she would complain about not losing weight.

She could. She wouldn’t.

I think that is the distinction. If you are overweight you can lose weight. The question is will you? Will you make the changes in what you eat, how much you eat and WHY you eat to make the weight loss happen?

Enough pulpit pounding for today.

Pictures from the Five Boro Bike Tour

It was a beautiful day for a ride. Very cold at the start, very windy as we waited on Church Street at 6:00 in the morning. I was wrapped in a plastic trash bag to keep the wind off me. In one of the pictures you can see it rolled up in my jersey pocket before I put it in the trash at the first rest area.

I think I stopped shivering somewhere on 6th Avenue just before we entered Central Park.

By the time we crossed back from The Bronx in to Manhattan I had warmed up as the temperatures rose on a sun-filled day with little wind and not a cloud to be seen. Once out of the Concrete Canyon that is 6th Avenue it was a wonderful ride.

SM, NI and Me. 6:60 AM, at the start line. Trying hard to look cheerful and not frozen....

SM, NI and Me. 6:30 AM, at the start line. Trying hard to look cheerful and not frozen….

Crossing the Queensboro Bridge

I think you can see on my face the pleasure I am taking from this ride. I had crested the the bridge, I had clear road ahead of me and I was soaking in the sun. All that I have worked for over the last 18 months is captured in this picture

I think you can see on my face the pleasure I am taking from this ride. I had crested the bridge, I had clear road ahead of me and I was soaking in the sun. Captured in this picture is all that I have worked for over the last 18 months

At the Brooklyn Bridge Rest Area with Lower Manhattan as a backdrop. You can see the New World Trade Center Tower behind me.

Rolling down the FDR Drive….

And one Last Picture from the Tour(s)

On the left is the 2010 tour as I cross the Queensboro Bridge. 260 pounds and my weight is on the way up.
On the right is the 2013 Tour as I cross the Queensboro Bridge. 201 pounds and holding steady.

April 27, 2013
by mrmarkls 4 Comments

A Day of Triumphs

A great ride on a wonderful day

Great Day

The weather has finally turned in our favor here in New Jersey. A morning temperature in the mid-50′s gave way to a wonderful 70 degree noon. I went on a club ride today. 52 miles through the rolling hills of Bergen, Passaic and Morris Counties. Franklin Lakes to Denville and back again.

By the time we had reached the midway point in Denville I needed to shed my cycling jacket and get down to just the jersey. It was fun to realize than I could roll up the jacket and ties the sleeves around my waist.

I can’t say that I rode great. I rode well for the most part but I am still struggling with hills. I need to build my leg strength. Practice. The only way to do it.

The feeling of the sun on my face and the warm air over me as I rode was nearly intoxicating.

A great group of about thirty riders did the ride and it was truly a fun group. Chatter as we rode, jokes, singing. It was fun.

Though I am a little disappointed with my struggled on the hills I take great satisfaction at not having to walk any up any. I rode them all, slow yes, but I rode them.

We stopped at a little café-bakery-coffee shop in Denville by the name of Mara’s. Tables outside. Sunshine, conversation, a blueberry scone…

A GREAT day.

52 miles.

My Weight

My weight had spiked recently. Not sure why. My calorie counts tell me I was on target but the weight still jumped to 207+ lbs. Scary. I redoubled my efforts. Watched the salt intake. Reduced the calories. Increased the veggies, decreased the carbohydrates. I am back around 201 lbs.

steady steady steady

I am sure as I sit here right now, just a few hours after dinner and after our snack of fresh pineapple, that I am probably around 205 lbs but this will drop overnight. The important thing is that I recognized the bad trend and made corrections to reverse the trend immediately. I didn’t wait. I acted.

The cycling today certainly will pay dividends. As will the thirty mile ride I want to try tomorrow. Burn the calories and don’t replace them all and you will lose weight…

Today I am at about a 2500 calories deficit. This is good. Ride 50+ miles and you will burn some serious calories.

Reflections

One year ago today I weighed 250.6 lbs. Today I am 201.2 Lbs. WOW. Even at that I had lost over 50 pounds.

I was riding. I was eating better. The weight was coming down very quickly. I was exactly four months in to my Journey. I had lost 55 lbs… I still had so far to go.

Looking back now I can see just how fast, dramatic even, the weight loss was. 55 pounds in exactly 4 months. YIKES.

The rest of the weight would come, has come off.

I was riding my bike then too. I may have ridden that day. I don’t remember. I know I was depressed that I was unable to get signed up for the 5-boro bike tour. I am doing it this year, one week from tomorrow.

I had ridden a 22 mile ride with my friend KG a few weeks earlier. I was getting there. And to think I had only started the Journey four months earlier.

So here I am today. Sixteen months in to the never-ending Journey. I rode 52 miles today. This is the longest ride I have done since the Ride-4-Autism last June when my friend NI had to help push me up a couple of hills. I finished the ride. It was hard but I did it. KG was on the ride. She rode great and finished ahead of NI and me. Well, we did miss a turn… OK, I MISSED THE TURN…

This is the longest ride I have done since I tore up my knee last June. The knees were fine. I now just have to build up the legs.

Next weekend I will do the 40+ mile tour in NYC. I did the ride in 2010. I am much stronger now. Much lighter now.

16 months now in to my Journey.

I am upset that I struggle so with the hills. I am bothered that I am still working on building up my legs.

Then I realize that it was one year ago that I still had 50 pounds to go to reach 200. It was only 16 months ago that I looked at the fat man in the mirror and said “you have to go now”.

Reflections.

I like who I see in the mirror now.

Peace

March 28, 2013
by mrmarkls 4 Comments

When I forget, all I need to do is remember

Staying in Control

There are times when the temptations are very difficult to resist. Today I was out on the road and I was very hungry. It was about 1:30 in the afternoon. Well past the normal lunch time and I had not eaten since breakfast at 6:45. I had my normal breakfast of a cup of cereal, cup of blueberries and half a cup of lactose free 2% milk. A little under 290 calories so I call it 300. A good way to start the day. I will sometimes eat lunch. Sometimes I don’t bother. Today I was HUNGRY. Eat my left thumb kind of hungry….

There was the pizza parlor. The sign said “VOTED BEST PIZZA IN TOWN THREE STRAIGHT YEARS: 2010, 2011, 2012!” Ohh so tempting…. I was half way towards convincing myself that I would go and have JUST ONE SLICE….

SO SO SO wanted to….

I was running all the excuses in my head, all the justifications, all the rationalizations..

You know that I am sure: I have worked hard today, I need the calories… I will go for a long long long walk on Saturday to burn it off… I DESERVE IT….

So easy to fall in to the trap…..

I didn’t. I stopped myself. I started to forget the disciplines I have put in place, the strictly controlled course I follow… I was so ready to tip in to the abyss.

But I stopped myself.

I stopped, I thought. I pictured the me of 16 months ago. I had started to forget but I didn’t. I remembered the me I was then. The 310-pound me. The 48-inch waist me. The Obese me. I stopped. I put the min d back to the place it needed to be.

I had a cup of pineapple and two McIntosh apples… It held me until dinner.

When I forget why I just stop and think and I remember why. I remember who. I remember what.

I remember the pledge I made to myself, to my children, to Missus. I pledged that I will never go back to that place, back to the 310 pound me. I would never do it, I would never forget.

When I forget, all I have to do is remember. Today was a close call. I will remember it.

WARM(er) Weather IS COMING!!

Going to get some miles on this soon!!

The forecast is for mid-50′s this weekend. I am so happy I could plotz (Google it). Saturday MAY be a long hike or a moderate distance bike ride with the club (40 miles), not sure which yet. Sunday will be a ride with the local bike shop. Short ride, 22 miles, but it will be a fun ride. I may also hike in the afternoon Sunday unless Missus wants some housework out of me…

I have been going slightly (ok, not so slightly) stir crazy with the cold weather. I love the hiking and I am glad that I can get out there and do it but I really want to ride. I have some long rides planned this year and I need to lay down the base miles and get ready for them.

WARM(er) Weather is Coming!!!

Just had to share.

Plans for the garden

One of the nice things about a house in the suburbs with a reasonably large yard is the ability to plant a garden and grown some of our own food. For years we planted tomato and pepper plants but the last three we have not as disruptions in our life made it questionable if we would be in the house at harvest time.

Now that our situation seems to have settled somewhat and our diet progressing ever closer to vegetarian… WE are planning a garden again.

This one will be larger and more ambitious than any we have grown before.

Yummmmm LOVE tomato….

Tomatoes of three or four varieties, hot and sweet peppers, red and golden beets, eggplant, cucumbers, squash, both summer and winter varieties, and herbs. We may decide on other plants as well but that is the plan right now.

We are looking at a plot 20 by 30 feet or so. We are now in pursuit of a roto-tiller we can rent or borrow…

I expect I will write more about this as we move along…

Peace

March 24, 2013
by mrmarkls 7 Comments

It’s All Good

This is about me

This is about me, this blog, the tales of this Journey. I have never pretended to know much about nutrition or fitness or anything about this except as it relates to ME. I tell the story of my Journey, my trials, my tribulations. I talk about my failures and failings, my successes and my growth.

52 years old (minus one day). I think this is the best picture ever taken of me. Wish I had hair…..

This is not about what is right or wrong because it is all good.

If you are doing something completely different from what I am doing and you are having success then it is good. If lifting weights for hours in the gym is your way and it works for you then it is good. If you made the difficult decision to have gastric bypass and it was your last best option and it is working for you then it is good.

I decided that the way for me was to significantly reduce my calories, from over 4000 a day to around 1500, to change the foods I ate, eliminating the trigger foods as well as red meats, peanut butter and jelly and pizza and changing to a nearly vegetarian diet and lastly, to significantly increase my physical activity with hiking and cycling. This is what has worked for me and it is good. For Me.

In the year plus that I have been on this Journey and writing this blog I have been told that I am doing everything wrong, that I will regain the weight, that my method is “stupid”… I have been told that I have to follow a special diet, get rid of carbs, eat only meats, eat only veggies, eat like the caveman, eat like the astronauts….

If that is what works for others, it is fine with me. My opinion really doesn’t matter when it comes to YOU. My opinion only matters when it comes to ME.

The only thing that matters is SUPPORT. Encouragement and support are the backbone of any successful plan.

Think about this: If you have a friend or family member who is significantly overweight and that person decides to get fit they are embarking on what SHOULD BE a life changing course. And it is hard. And it is frightening. And they need support. Not criticism.

When I say significantly overweight I am not talking about 10-15 pounds or even 20-30 pounds. I am talking 70 pounds, 80 pounds, 100 pounds or more. I am talking people who are carrying around an extra person, not a few extra pounds.

I am telling you that the weight loss and fitness Journey I started on December 27, 2011 has been at once the most rewarding and frightening thing I have ever done. Imagine this: 50+ years old and you change everything you possibly can about the way you eat, exercise, live. You go from eating indiscriminately to recording everything you eat. You change from sitting on the couch to walking 5 miles in the freezing rain because you have to get in your miles.

You give up some of your favorite foods, you push yourself to learn new ways to cook, new ways to shop, new ways to live.

And all the while you are diving deep in to your brain trying to understand why you have been slowly killing yourself with food. Why you have been “committing suicide by a thousand bites”.

Imagine that this is you. It isn’t easy is it?

The Journey is hard. It doesn’t matter how the Journey is made. It is hard. It is hard for everyone on it. I have lost 105 pounds since December 27, 2011, 120 pounds from my peak weight. It has been hard. It has been rewarding. It has been the best thing I have ever done for myself and it has been the scariest thing I have ever done to myself. I think that this holds true for anyone on the Journey.

So my Journey is my own. I can’t tell you and I won’t tell you how to do this. If you are going about it in a completely different way, that is fine. I am happy that you are on the Journey. It’s all good.

Whether or not you are on your own weight loss and fitness Journey, support your friends and family and even the strangers you meet who are on the Journey. We need the support. This is hard. A pat on the back helps to ease the Journey.

Mileposts on the Journey

When I started this blog I would report on mileposts I passed along the way: 20 pounds down, 30… and so forth.

As they started flying by and it became “expected” I reported on them less often to the point that I have not really written about them at all in months.

I have passed a few recently and I wanted to write about them a little.

I passed my goal weight on August 8, 2012. I hit 209 pounds that day blasting right past the 210 pound goal. That was 228 days ago. For those 228 days my average weight is 202.5 pounds. Today I weighed 203 pounds when I stepped on the scale. Yesterday I was 202.6. I go up and down as much as a pound from one day top the next. So I am essentially right at my average weight since I hit my goal. And I am 7-8 pounds under my goal. 228 days at or below my goal weight.

The cold weather is interfering with my cycling plans but I am still getting out for hikes. The milepost here is the 7 straight weeks of achieving my fitness minutes. ….

More Hiking Today

I went for a short hike yesterday. I went close to home and climbed the trails around Turkey Mountain in Northern New Jersey. I think many people outside of the area might be surprised that New Jersey has wilderness areas and hiking trails but those of us who live here know. There are beautiful views, steep climbs, deep woods where the sound of traffic does not disrupt….

The hike was just under 4 and a half miles and was with good company. The air was crisply cold and the sky was mostly clear. There was snow cover on much of the trail but it was not a difficult hike and we made it safely.

A view across the valley. You can see One World Trade Center in the distance.

I hike most weekends now. I know it is frustrating Missus that I spend so much time away from the family on weekends but Missus also understands how important the fitness aspect of my Journey is to me.

I am hiking again today. I am driving to a park and I hope to get in 6-8 miles. This will give me 10-12 miles for the weekend and that will be good.

I am wishing for warmer weather but instead we are getting more snow tomorrow. This is getting old.

So I will keep hiking. I can hike in the cold. I find it very difficult to ride in the cold.

More hiking today.

Peace.

February 17, 2013
by mrmarkls 3 Comments

Confessional

What My Friends & Family Already Know About Me

I am emotionally volatile. Easily hurt, slow to forgive, quick to anger, quick to love, slow to heal.

My life has been this roller coaster of emotions for as long as I can remember. I have learned to control the worst aspects of it for the most part and I try to hide the hurt when it happens but I usually fail miserably. My moods are wont to change quickly and with little warning. I am sure this makes being a friend of mine a challenge.

Eating (well, gorging), has been a refuge when I am angry. I am an angry/hurt/depressed eater.

I can’t do that anymore.

I have spent the last year plus working at this weight loss and fitness and a huge part of that has been fighting the worst aspects of my being. Keeping my mood up, shrugging off the perceived slights, choking in the anger and fighting off the black dog of depression.

The longer I hold on to anger and hurt feelings the harder it becomes for me to fight off the hunger that accompanies those feelings and the depression that often follows the hurt and anger.

Very recently I had my feelings hurt. The how and why is meaningless for this discussion. It quickly evolved in to anger and now the depression has arrived. Fighting the hunger at night as I lay in bed unable to sleep because of the anger and hurt playing over and over in my head… Not easy. I didn’t do what I would have done 18 months ago. I didn’t go down the stairs to the kitchen and make a big peanut butter and jelly sandwich and wash it down with a tall cold glass of milk. I wanted to. I very much wanted to. I didn’t.

It was hard.

After nearly 52 years in to this life I have little understanding why I am this way. Many years of effort to keep the mood swings under control have resulted in a smidge less volatility and much less explosiveness but by no means is it a small part of my daily life.

Fighting the negative effects now includes fighting the binge eating that follows the hurt, the anger, the depression.

Progress is hard.

Failure lurks.

So far I am winning this battle.

Recent events pushed me closer to failure than I have been in a year plus.

I don’t like the way I feel right now or the way I have felt the last many hours.

I will climb out.

My friends and family know that about me as well.

On the Positive Side…

A small section of Times Square at night

I went to Times Square last night and had dinner with some friends. I ate sushi galore and even allowed myself one mixed drink. Still came in on target for calories and I weigh slightly less this morning than yesterday. A small victory but a nice one to have.

Days like Today

I have to really force myself in to movement today. This is another aspect of depression. I want to do nothing but drink coffee and sit on the sofa but I have stuff to do. I have to run an electrical line in the basement for the new dryer, poke a hole in the wall for the vent, clean the basement so there is access to where the dryer is going and I have to start running the plumbing for moving the washing machine from the third floor to the basement…. Then tonight Missus and I are having Indian food with our dear friends MT and LG.

But here I am doing nothing. I am sitting staring at the computer and writing this blog post because right now this is the therapy I need. I am sure my mood will lift once I get off my rump and get doing…. Not much motivated right now.

Too cold and windy to hike or even walk much. Twenty degrees and high winds with gusts up to 50 miles per hour. Lovely. So my exercise today will be working on the house.

Need to get my rump in gear.

Thanks for listening

Peace

January 15, 2013
by mrmarkls 3 Comments

Thoughts on a Tuesday Afternoon

A Day in the Life

When I was driving 90+ miles to work each day it was difficult for me to stay on the plan. Eating breakfast at 4:00 AM and then waiting until noon for lunch was difficult and so I spent too much time talking myself out of eating…

Now I am driving 10 miles to work, eating breakfast at 7:00 AM, eating a very light lunch and then a nice dinner. It gets much easier to stay close to the plan.

Today was a typical day for me in terms of food: Kashi Go-Lean Crunch and a banana for breakfast, a light lunch of fruit and dinner was a piece of fish, kale and mushrooms and butternut squash with some brown rice.

It is all about food right? It is all we think about when trying to lose weight or maintain weight loss. Food. Always food. Calories in, calories out, and what did I eat….

It is also about focus. I got to my peak weight by constantly eating and eating the wrong foods and not thinking about it. The only time I really thought about food was when I was cooking or when I was ordering at a restaurant. Otherwise it was all mindless…

So my day now is about work and thinking about what and when I will eat and making sure I think it all through and count it all.

That is a day in my life.

Loving to cook

I love to cook. It has been one of my favorite hobbies for so long… Tonight I made a dish of kale, mushrooms and corn, sautéed and then steamed. Made it up as I went along. Tilapia topped with tomatoes and horseradish mustard baked in the oven and roasted butternut squash. This is fun. Finding new ways to treat foods each day, keeping the menu varied. WE eat so many different foods than we did 14 months ago. It doesn’t get boring. We are still discovering new vegetable. Mustard greens and Swiss Chard are two new favorites.

All of this rekindles my love of cooking each day. It is not a chore to go to the kitchen and start working on a meal even after a long day at work.

I am looking to all of you for suggestions of new vegetables to try and any recipes…….

Enjoying Getting Tired

I hated doing any physical work. A year plus ago I hated it. I got tired so easily. I hated walking, forget about running. I wanted to ride my bike but the belly was in the way and I got so tired just doing a five mile ride.

I didn’t do anything around the house. I simply was to exhausted all the time. Mowing the lawn was a hated chore.

Things change.

When I ride or hike now I want to get tired. I am disappointed if the hike does not wear me out, if the ride leaves me still feeling fresh. I feel I have not pushed myself if I can finish a 5 mile hike or a 30 mile ride and not feel worn down a bit.

I am enjoying the workouts now. I want to be out of breath, I want to be wearied. The fact is that it takes much more to wear me down then it did 14 months ago. It is now a challenge to push myself to exhaustion and I feel I have accomplished something if I manage to do so.

I am enjoying the act of getting tired.

Strange??

COME ON SPRING (or at least spring like weather)

I need to ride. It is driving me crazy to not ride. I thought this past weekend would give me the opportunity and I had the bike out and ready to go but the weather stayed raw and chill and I didn’t ride. I did hike and that was wonderful. Walking in the woods is like spending time with a dear friend. I allow the woods to do the talking as I walk along with only the occasional response. I can hike even in the chill and I enjoy it nearly as much but it is not the same as riding.

If the weather will get to the mid fifties I can ride. I have all the cold weather gear (as I have mentioned) and I can ride in colder weather but it is from fifty degrees on up that riding becomes fun for me.

I am looking to do a couple of short over-night hikes. Something along the Appalachian Trail… Spring holds that promise.

Here in the gray of winter it is hard to get enthused about much outdoors but I do enjoy cross-country skiing (if only the snow would stick around) and I can (as mentioned) hike.

I wouldn’t call this cabin fever but it is close.

COME ON SPRING.

By the way: I have not had a visit from the Black Dog in weeks. This is a good thing

Peace