Next Sunday will be one year since I tore the meniscus and two ligaments in my right knee.
Why not wait until the anniversary to write about it? Because yesterday I rode my bike over many of the same roads I rode the day I tore up the knee. That day, June 23, 2012, I was 22 miles in to a 50 mile ride when I got hurt. I was not riding particularly well but I was mostly keeping up with the group and I was not the only one who had to walk up Vreeland Avenue.
Yesterday I ride with my boss at the bike shop and one other fellow. They are both stronger riders than I am and they had to wait up for me a couple of times. I was not riding particularly well but I had some good moments. I paced my boss up a hill and rode that one hill very well. I struggled on Vreeland Avenue BUT I DID NOT HAVE TO WALK IT.
Leaning in to a fast sweep…. The camera is parallel to the handle bars…..
Crossing the Reservoir Bridge
Approaching the Reservoir Tavern…
This ride was only a little under 25 miles, not the 50 mile ride I was on nearly a year ago. I have ridden further than that and I do so on a regular basis. But Sunday was a 25 mile ride and I was not riding well and…. But I didn’t walk Vreeland Avenue.
On June 17, 2012 I weighed 225 pounds. I am 25 less now. One year ago I was still taking the weight off, still getting in to shape. I was walking long hills.
I didn’t have to walk Vreeland Avenue yesterday.
And I finished the ride in good health. This is a good thing.
Next week I may ride with the early group on the shop ride. They ride hard and fast. If they drop me that will be fine. I need to ride with better riders riding at a brisk pace if I am to get stronger as a rider myself.
I would not have dreamed of that ride just one year ago… Now I think it may be time…
Why? Well, I suppose it is to reflect the changes in me. I do not have a fat body any more. I am still, inside, in my mind, emotionally, a fat man. The body on the other hand….. Well, simply put…. I am not fat.
I remember when I wrote a blog post as I crossed under my goal weight of 210 pounds. I remember that rather than exultation at reaching the goal weight, I felt relief. Not relief as in the pursuit is over but rather relief that no one could look at me and say I was fat. I could not be called a fat man anymore. I was simply not fat. I was almost in tears as I wrote those words. I didn’t realize just how much being “the fat man” hurt until I wrote those words and the tears started to falls.
So I have added the subtitle. I am not fat. I am not ever sort of fat. Not on the outside. Not where you can see. Inside, in my emotional self I am still the fat man. Still afraid of being called fat, being made fun of, being afraid of being embarrassed by not fitting in a seat, standing out due to my size.
The subtitle s a start for me. An acknowledgement of the change.
Nice Dinner
Tonight we had a really nice vegetarian dinner. Most of our dinners are vegetarian come think of it.. Anyway. Tonight I grilled Kabocha, sweet potato, and plantain. Missus roasted golden and red beets and I took the greens from the beets and chopped them up with some onion and red pepper. I steamed them in a foil pouch on the grill.
All very tasty, very nutritious, very healthy. We sat on the back deck and relaxed and enjoyed the meal.
The Younger and I discussed science and school and had one of the more grownup conversations we have had to date. He is a bright kid.
The dogs romped about on the deck; Casey chasing birds, Cody wondering what is wrong with Casey…
I come in to work at silly o’clock on Tuesdays and Fridays so I can work with my night shift supervisors. Good men who I hope will benefit by working directly with me a few extra hours each week.
Right now the supervisor is doing some paperwork so I am taking a few minutes to pop out an early morning blog post.
With summer coming up and the weather warming, I am looking forward to the possibility of getting in some afternoon rides on these “off to work early” days. I will leave here today between 2:30 and 3:00 o’clock if all things are going well. Today the rain will keep me from riding but when the weather cooperates….
I am really enjoying this job. There is so much positive about the place and so much we can accomplish. It feels good to be energized and feel engaged. The job in Pennsylvania never felt right. I thought comfort and a sense of belonging would develop but it never did. The end of that job I now see as a positive.
I now work two jobs and neither feels so much like WORK as they feel like activities…
Skinny
I have two brothers, both older than I am. The eldest brother (EB) lives on the east coast and I am able to see him often, every couple of months at least. We get along very well and enjoy each other’s company. The one in the middle lives on the west coast and we see each other infrequently. I think the last time was in April of 2011. MB (middle brother) will be on the east coast in a couple of weeks. He is coming in for our Great-Aunt’s 90th birthday party. It will be a quick visit but he will squeeze a great deal in to the four days he will be here. KS (kid sister) lives on the west coast as well. It has been even longer since I have seen her. She can’t make it out for the party.
This is the picture I sent MB…..
I have kept the west coast siblings up to date on my family with frequent emails and I have given them details of the weight loss journey Missus and I have taken.
I sent MB and MBW (middle brother’s wife) a picture taken on the Ride for Autism of me at the rest area. His response: “you really look skinny!” Skinny? ME? Strange. I have never thought of myself as skinny. I was lean in high school. Some have said I was skinny, but I never thought so. Then I was big. Then I was FAT. Then I was VERY FAT.
Skinny. At 200 pounds stretched over this six-foot, one and a half-inch frame, I don’t think I am skinny. But I love to hear it or read it in comments from friends and family.
What I really love is what it represents. It represents a total transformation of my physical self from a fat and out of condition bump on the sofa to fit and lean.
Skinny. Ya know what?? I like the sound of it.
Weekend Plans
I am working on Saturday and Sunday. At the bike-shop so it really will not feel like work… I will get in some miles on the Saturday evening if possible. Sunday I hope to ride the bike to the shop (13 hilly miles by the shortest route) and perhaps do the shorter of the two Sunday morning shop rides. Then work at the shop. Missus might pick me up after work so we can go for dinner on Father’s day. Otherwise I will top the day off with an 18-mile route home.
The plan is to enjoy. Being with my family. Being at the shop. Getting in the miles. It all equals enjoyment.
It wasn’t this way.
Weekends for me were hours spent doing as little as possible. Maybe a drive with the family. Maybe a little work around the house. Otherwise…. I wanted to do nothing.
I am not that way now. I look to be busy. I look to stay active.
Weekends are full now. Walks with Missus around the framers market, time with the boys, work at the shop, ride the bike, take the younger riding
You can change your outlook and your approach. You have to want to. I wanted to so I did. Wasn’t easy… and I am not done… but it is getting there…
My last two posts have been something less than cheery. Part visit from The Black Dog, part anger over the insulting post, I lost track of the positives for a little bit. Sorry about that.
But I feel much better now.
I am by nature an intense person. I let that tendency get the better of me.
Along the road at the Ride for Autism
I am feeling good overall and I should let that out a bit more.
I am truly enjoying my new job. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I have a good fit at work.
I am also enjoying the part-time gig at the Local Bike Shop. Great group of people and I get to talk bikes all day. How could that be bad?
I am having trouble finding the opportunity during the week to ride but I am getting in my miles on weekends. If the weather allows, I will ride my bike to the shop each day this weekend for work and I will do the early morning ride on Sunday at the bike shop as well. That should bring me close to 100 miles for the weekend.
It is a funny thing, emotions. How one little insect was able to ruin a harvest of good feelings from the wonderful weekend I spent riding with my friend NI and then hanging out. Foolish of me to allow it.
The Ride For Autism (again)
I know I wrote about it a little yesterday and I hope you will forgive a revisit.
I had a great time. I felt great on the hills, I felt great in general. It is a wonderful thing to be at the 25 mile point and not feel any weariness when engaged in a 50+ mile ride. So much has changed in the last year. A year ago NI had to put his hand on my back and push me up a hill. No need this year. This year I had all that I needed to ride. A great feeling in deed.
The people who organize the ride did a fine job. The rest areas were good, the ride reasonably well-marked, the post ride meal a vast improvement over last years, though soft tacos were a challenge to handle.
You can count on me doing the ride again next year.
Maybe someday there will be no need for the Ride For Autism…
My Quest For a Century
In cycling a Century refers to a 100-mile ride. It is something of a badge of honor for the weekend cyclist to say they have ridden 100 miles and I know many cyclists who can tell you every detail of their first century.
Even when I was young and deeply involved in cycling, I never rode a Century. Came close. Did 65 miles rides, 70 miles. Never broke 100.
I have set challenges for myself all along the Journey.
The High Point-Cape May ride is high on that list. Even though the ride will be 208+ miles, we will not do a Century. We will likely do 60 the first day (the hilliest section) and then 75 each the last two days. No century.
So I am looking for a century ride before the summer is out.
Why?
Because I know it will push me to a psychological limit. I have never gone there. I don’t know if I can. It is my personal distance barrier. The place I have never gone and thus I am a little intimidated by it.
This Journey has been all about pushing myself past the limits I have imposed on myself.
Breaking this one down will be one more important step in redefining myself.
Anyone want to come along?
Experimenting in the Kitchen
Our friends PG and DG came to dinner Sunday night.
I made salmon marinated in low sodium soy sauce and ginger. Slow cooked on the grill, served with grilled Kabocha squash, roasted onion and mushrooms steamed on the grill with sun-dried tomatoes, rosemary and mild chili powder. We served this with a green salad. All very good. All very low-calorie and yet filling.
Tonight I am going to try to invent a new recipe for vegetarian stuffed grape leaves Starting with red and black rice and red lentils, some finely chopped onion, fresh dill and some other spices…. I will let you know how this works out.
I have been asked several times if my meals are boring without red meats. I now reply that my meals are much more varied than they were 18 months ago. With the range of vegetables available year-round now, our meal have grown in diversity. Yes, we eat a great deal of Kabocha squash when we can find it. We also eat six or seven types of rice, a variety of lentils, many different beans and greens. We eat 4 or 5 varieties of fish and we have discovered vegetables and fruits we never knew existed.
Our range of cuisines has expanded. We now frequently eat Indian food and eat a wide range of dishes. We have Japanese and Chinese, African and South American foods.
Think about that range as you eat that burger and fries for the third time this week.
Not everything we have tried has been wonderful Several fruits and veggies we have tried have been less than enjoyable but most have added variety to our menu. I had never cooked plantains or quinoa, only rarely had couscous and had no idea that there were white sweet potatoes or purple potatoes.
Among the many food stuffs in my kitchen right now are the grape leaves, five kinds of rice, a bag of fresh lychee, Kabocha and butternut squash, a variety of chutney, two types of curry powder, dried chilies, four types of fish, plums, apples, onions, and a range of greens.
Nothing dull or boring.
I think the best thing I did in terms of adding variety was eliminating red meat.
This past Saturday was the long discussed Ride for Autism. After worrying about the weather and the dealing with drenching rains on Friday, Saturday dawned overcast but dry. The road dried quickly and by the start of the ride at 8:00 AM the roads were in good shape and ready for the riders.
Though I had planned on riding 62 miles, we cut it short to 55 when threatening weather convinced my riding companion and I that discretion was the better part of…. Well, staying dry. As it turned out, the threatening sky gave up only a few drops of rain.
It was a fun ride and the company was great. There were many enthusiastic riders, all doing their part to raise money for Autism research.
A personal note: thank you to all who donated to the cause. I am truly grateful.
The nice thing for was that come Sunday morning I was in great shape and felt no effects from the ride.
On the left: Last year Ride for Autism On the right: This years Ride for Autism. Even 30 pounds make quite a difference.
I am now certain that I am ready for my first century ride and I am looking for the right opportunity.
For no Particular Reason: A True Story from my Youth
I was seven years old.
My brothers and I went down to the river that winds its way through town. I was not then (nor am I now) a strong swimmer. We all took turns swinging from a vine out over the water, letting go and splashing down in to the water. Great fun on a summer day.
My brothers, bigger and stronger than I was, were able to swing out further and higher and were able to make bigger splashes. Being the competitive little fellow I was I gave it my all and with a great running leap and grab I swung out over the river just as high and far as my brothers had. I made a great splash and started to swim back to shore. It was then that the current decided to take a hold of me and pull me along down the river. I was not a strong enough swimmer to overcome the pull of the river as my brothers could. The river was taking me and I began to panic. I can still remember my oldest brother running along the shore trying to figure out how to get to me as the river pulled me further away and out towards the middle.
I remember thinking that I was going to die. I was 7 and I was sure that death had me. And I was frightened.
And then, very suddenly, strong arms lifted me out of the water. I remember my arm being grabbed and I remember flying out of the water and landing in a canoe in the arms of a man with a beard. He and his canoe mate had seen me, paddled over and saved my life. A simple act with profound ramification for my family, for people I would not meet for decades, for my children yet to be…
The canoeists paddled me over to the shore and I climbed out. Wobbly knees and still frightened and confused I thanked him and my brothers thanked him. He scolded us for playing in the river that way.
We walked on home with my brothers eliciting solemn oaths from me to NEVER tell our parents. Too late. The canoeists beached their canoe and followed us by car up the hill to our home and told my mother what had happened. I remember my mother thanking him and his friend with hugs and teary eyes.
I thought my mother would finish what the river started. I was wrong. She hugged me tightly, more tightly than I can ever remember being hugged before and rarely since. Of course she also grounded me for a week…
I don’t know The canoeists name. Never did know it. If my mother knew it she took the name with her when she passed away
I would like to thank him. I hope he has told the story and received approving comments and pats on the back from those listening.
Climbing Out
This Journey of mine…
This has all been painful. Holding myself out to anyone who happens across this blog. Exposing my scars, my bleeding wounds. The traumas of 52 years of living a hairbreadth away from spinning wildly out of control. Ripping open barely healed scar tissue.
I have pushed myself in ways I could not have imagined two years ago. I have sat at this computer and dug deeply to find the reasons I became fat, lazy and detached. I have sat here and tried to understand what happened to the 17-year old with boundless energy and untapped potential. I looked hard to find the remnants of that boy in the man starting the journey.
I started in a deep depression. I consciously and aggressively fought the depression. I forced myself out of the hole. I forced myself, one step at a time, literally and figuratively, to climb the mountain.
I got up there. Battered, exhausted and in pain but I got there. I climbed the hills with PGB and MT and I climbed my emotional mountains each and every day. I tried to keep a positive outlook and I tried to write about this journey in an uplifting way to keep my spirits up.
This has been a fight. A fight I was never quit sure I would win or even be around for at the end.
When I was 35, one week before my 36th birthday, long before I reached my heaviest, I was lying in the hospital with an out of control heart beat. My blood pressure was sky rocketing. My heart was throwing in extra beats and I the doctors were certain they would find blockages when they rushed me in for cardiac catheterization. Nothing. Wide open arteries. Lose weight, get fit, take these pills and start taking care of yourself.
Fourteen years later….
So I started the Journey a little late.
When I started it I went all in. I stripped naked to the world and said HERE IT IS.
Pain.
Fear
It all factored in. I wanted to have the wrong foods. I wanted to have a PB&J. I wanted to throw in the towel more than a few times. I wanted to go back to my comfort zone. As much as I hated being fat I know HOW to be fat. I was me. It was who I was. I could hide. I could be that person. I was easy. “no, would love to but I am so out of shape…” “Yes I will have that extra helping. See how easy it is to have me as a guest/ I will eat anything and everything and in large quantities.”
Do you understand? Being fat was physically uncomfortable but emotionally familiar and safe. I hated being fat but it was easy. It was safer to stay fat then risk failure (again) trying to become lean.
Do you know? Do you see what a risk this blog has been? I am out there. If I failed you would all see it. You would see ME. The failure. ME. It would be so easy to stay hidden. Stay fat. Stay behind the wall.
I have climbed a mountain here. I did it in full view. I climbed El Capitan on Wide World of Sports with Jim McKay breathlessly describing every misstep.
I don’t say my Journey has been unique or for all that it is, all that impressive when there are those who have lost twice as much weight or more than I have and have done it in the public eye.
But it has been MY journey. All mine. My unique issues and tribulations. My fears, my pain, my anxieties and my insecurities.
And tonight, as I fought the temptations that I fight almost every day, I remembered that I am still climbing this mountain and I held on. I gripped the rock and the rope while Jim McKay described the howling winds.. Soon the wind died down and soon it calm again. And I was fine. I didn’t give in. I didn’t have the extra serving or the large snack or dig in to the jar of peanut butter.
This is it. See? It never gets easy. It never passes completely.
So I write about it. I talk about it. I put it out there and I ask people to pass judgment on me.
Today I am 203 pounds.
Tomorrow maybe more. Maybe less.
By the weekend probably 200. Then who knows. And every day I will step on the scale. And every day I will record the weight in my spread sheet. And every day I will record every calories, every bit of food.
And I will keep climbing the mountain.
Thank you for reading this wild, rambling, stream of consciousness ramble..
You did the ride today. The one you fretted over. The one where you were sure you would need to walk the hills or at least one or two.
It was hot today, 80 degrees at the start of the ride and nearly 90 by the end. It was humid as well. Very humid, like breathing through a hot wet towel.
Tough conditions to be sure.
A few scenes along the ride.
So how did you do?
I know how you did. I know that you didn’t walk a single hill. I know that you averaged 16.5 miles per hour while moving despite the slow climb of a couple of the hills. I know you rode strong and sure.
Don’t you feel silly now? All that fretting. All that angst. And you nailed it. You climbed better than you have all year. You rode on the flats and the rollers better than you have all year. You were riding on that flats in the 20 mile per hour range at times, though mostly 18-19. You looked down and saw 22 and 23 on more than one occasion (though those were on slight downgrades).
To make a long story short: you must have faith in what you have accomplished. You need to come to grips with a simple fact: you are not HIM anymore. You are not out of shape. You are not fat. You are trim and you are fit and you have to start accepting this as a simple fact of life. This is who you are now. Deal with it. Learn it. Live it.
Don’t let your guard down. We know how easily hard-fought for ground can be lost.
But live the life you have available to you now. RIDE THE HILLS! Push yourself. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
People who have seen you ride say you ride smoothly and you ride strongly. You have a solid cadence and you handle the bike well (that drifting to the left thing seems under control now). You will get good at the hills; just stop avoiding them. It will not be fun but hard work will get you there.
That’s it. That is all I have to say. Believe in yourself. What you have done in 18 months is amazing. Accept it and live it.
At the emotional level, I think I was fat in high school, photographic evidence to the contrary. The emotional landscape is a tricky place.
Though it took me a long time to realize it, this Journey has always been about reinvention. It has been about creating an improved me. At first it was just about the body. Lose weight and get fit. Soon I came to understand that for me to reach the goals I set for weight loss and fitness I had to address the emotions behind the physical me.
I have written about this many times; my need to understand the why behind the excess weight and the constant eating and the underlying needs that the food was feeding. I also had to face the facts that the weight gave me something to hide behind. If I was “The Fat Man” in the group I had an identity that was my own. I didn’t have to establish myself. My size established me, defined me, and categorized me. Everything that came after, the gregariousness, the loudness, the talkativeness, the humor, all came after the size. In new situations I could hide behind my size.
As I lost the weight I often wrote about trying to figure out who I am if I am not “The Fat Man”.
If you are picking up an undercurrent of insecurity, well yes, that is a big part of it all.
I am convinced that a factor in gaining back the weight for many who have traveled a similar Journey is this insecurity, addressing the physical side without addressing the emotions behind it. There is a loss of identity in weight loss. My image of myself is of a fat man. I KNOW I was lean in high school. I remember that I weighed in the 170’s and peaked around 200 pounds by the time I graduated but I still have a moment of surprise when I see the pictures of the lean teenager I was. I think I was always fat.
I came to realize that for this weight loss to be a permanent thing, for me to stay below my maximum allowable weight (205 pounds), I would have to become the lean me emotionally not only physically.
I am self-conscious with a plate of food in my hand. I still think I am the big fat guy overeating. I have to understand that I am not a fat guy. I am not thin. This much I know, but I am not fat. I am more lean. I am fit. I know this intellectually. I have to understand it emotionally and I am not there yet.
This is the reinvention. I have to become the lean me. I have to think lean but more to the point I have to FEEL lean. I have to see myself as lean and fit. I still see myself as fat.
Without the fat to hide behind I find that I talk less. I am quieter. Now understand that all things are relative and I am still a chatty guy. It is a matter of degrees. When I started to Hike with PGB and MT I would talk the entire hike (when not gasping for air). I am now content to chat a little and enjoy the act of the hike. Maybe PGB and MT hear it differently but that is my perception.
I am reinventing my person. Growing more comfortable with the skin I am in. I am stretching myself.
I have recently accepted a part-time job at a Local Bike Shop, combining my love of cycling with my gregarious nature. I am stretching myself to pursue a deeper involvement in this avocation.
Reinvention.
I didn’t know it back 18 months ago that this was all about reinvention. I know it now.
My New Weight Goal
After nine months at or below my goal weight, after successfully maintaining my weight through the winter months and the unusually cold and wet spring, I am now ready to reset the weight goal.
I am still medically overweight. That is to say according to the Body Mass Index (yes a highly flawed measure) I am still in the “overweight” range.
I have a BMI of about 26. To fall in to the normal range I need a BMI of 24.9 or less. That would be 191 pounds. I am 200 right now.
I don’t know that I will get to 191 and that is not truly my goal. Knowing the BMI is highly flawed and does not take in to account bone structure or muscle mass, I am aiming for a BMI of 25.4 or 195 pounds. I am adjusting my weight chart to reflect this new goal and I will change the “Weighty Issues” section of this blog to reflect the new goal.
Why? Well not simply for the BMI. The reality is I am still carrying too high a percentage of fat on my frame. I still have a belly on me. I am looking at buying a scale that measures fat percentage. I know they are not extremely accurate but they tend to be consistent. That will give me the base line and help me track my progress.
With just five or six pounds to go to the new goal I plan to take it slowly, keeping calories at the current level and increasing the activity. The plan is to continue improving my fitness and building muscle mass and reduce the fat percentage. This will result in slow going to the goal. I will get there.
This will all result in a healthier and stronger me. I am looking at upper body workouts now. Has to help.
So there it is; my new goal.
Plans
On Saturday I had thought about going for a hike but then I remembered I start my new part-time gig on Saturday. I am JAZZED. On Sunday I am riding in the Bergen County Bike Tour in Bergen County NJ. 45 miles and I have only ridden 20 miles since May 5. Oh My! Well at least I can breathe again as the lingering effects of the head cold are finally drifting off.
Saturday June 8 I am in the Ride 4 Autism, doing a metric Century (62 miles equals 100 kilometers) with my good friends KG and NI.
Sunday I will work at the Bike shop. I plan to ride to work and back and in this way get in my 30 miles. If I get there early enough I can also do the club ride and get a really good day of riding in.
I like these plans. I like making plans. Making plans has been a major factor, if not THE major factor, in my weight loss and fitness. Heck, I even call it “The Plan”.
I think a mistake that is common on Journeys such as this is failing to plan. I plan everything. Meal, hikes, walk, rides, sleep….
Without the plans I would be lost.
With the plans I have found an entirely new me, though I am still figuring out who that is.
When I started this Journey in December 2011 I really had no clue what I was getting in to. I didn’t know that I would soon start a blog and would expose every raw nerve to anyone who happened across my writings.
I didn’t know that emotions would play such a large part in the Journey. I didn’t realize it was a Journey at all at the time.
I started the Journey because I was fat and it bothered me to be fat. I felt awful all the time. I was physically uncomfortable all the time. It was only after I started the work to take off the weight that I started to really explore the emotions and psychology of all this.
In this blog I have shared with everyone who cared to read about it most of the emotions I have experienced as I traveled along. Al of the anger, fear, anxiety, depression, joy, pleasure, rapture, exultation and so on of this trip has been laid out before you.
I would say up days have been more common than down days but it is close. For each time I was overjoyed by an accomplishment, there would be a nearly offsetting day of depression or anxiety.
This journey has been a rocky one to be sure. It has also been overwhelmingly worthwhile.
As I have battled all of these ups and downs I have also explored the reasons for them.
I am working on putting these thoughts in to a blog post and I will post it soon.
The Weekend Trip
What had started out as a family trip to my brother’s family home I for the Memorial Weekend Cookout his family hosts each year turned in to a Father-Son weekend for the Younger one and me. With Missus down with a respiratory infection,we decided that I would take the younger one and Missus and the older one and the two hounds would stay home. Instead of leaving at silly o’clock Saturday morning the younger and I left Friday afternoon, pulling in to the hotel at 10:00 PM.
At the Museum
Instead of spending Saturday morning in the car, the younger and I were able to enjoy a relaxed yet light breakfast and then went to the Air and Space museum at Dulles International before heading off to the cookout.
The Younger One in front of the Space Shuttle
One of the most satisfying aspects of the weight loss and the fitness has been the ability to do what I could not contemplate before. When all was said and done and the Younger and I had explored every nook and cranny of the museum, my FITBIT said we had walked a little over three and a half miles. Then we went to the cookout where I essentially stood or walked the entire day from 1:30 until we headed back to the hotel at 9:30.
The Space Shuttle. WE were the first visitors of the day to get to the Shuttle display and we were able to take pictures without people in the way!
The Younger One at the Museum
To do this two years ago was simply not in the range of my abilities. I would not have been able to walk three plus miles and then stand and walk and climb stairs and chat and walk and stand and climb stairs… Barely sitting at all the entire day. Could not have done it. I would have been exhausted and in great discomfort.
It was easy yesterday.
I really enjoyed the museum. I loved the cookout. Spending the weekend with The Younger One? PRICELESS!
The Cookout
Controlling my eating at the cookout was a failure. I over-ate. By a bunch. I had brownies. I had a cupcake. I had a cookie. I had several bowls of vegetarian chili. I had two chicken skewers. I had some salads, many strawberries, etc. I did NOT have red meat or diet soda or regular soda or alcohol or a myriad of other not so good for me foods but what I ate I ate much of.
I think I had about 3500 calories yesterday and I am not really happy with my lack of discipline. I decided to allow myself the day of excess and to not beat myself up about it but today I beat myself up pretty good….
I did get up early this morning and do a mile + on the treadmill at the hotel and I have kept today’s calorie count below 2000. I did enjoy yesterday but giving in to temptation and eating to excess still frightens me.
Much of my conversation yesterday had to do with how much weight I have lost and how I did it. Some of the people there have not seen me in two years, most have not seen me in a year. Several did not recognize me until my Brother introduced me. One refused to believe I could have lost that much weight (we had never met before) until I showed him the before picture.
I enjoy the conversations. I truly do. Who does not like to hear the kudos and huzzahs? Still I am starting to feel like a one trick pony. It is as if I have nothing else to say… I have to work on this.
I guess it is natural for people to be curious about how and why. The how has always been easier for me to explain than the why. Silly as that sounds. The why is rather complicated. On the surface of course it is because being 100+ pounds over weight is unhealthy and uncomfortable and I hated it. But that is not what people are asking when they ask why. They are asking why did it become so important to you that you have been able to lose it and keep it off when so many fail in their efforts to lose it and most who do lose it can’t keep it off. What happened? Why is it working for you.
That is the harder question to answer because I don’t really know.
The cookout was a little smaller this year I think as the weather was cooler than normal for this time of year. It was still wonderful. Seeing my Nephews and my niece and their friends and the friends of my brother and his wife is always fun for me. Being so comfortable in the skin I am in made it much more fun.
My cousin the cardiologist was at the part y this year. He has not seen me in person in a couple of years though he has seen the pictures. His JOY at seeing the new lean me was palpable. When a cardiologist sings your praise it feels good.
So a weekend with The Younger One, a wonderful cookout, praise from friends and family and forgiving myself for over indulgence and getting right back on plan the next day and Sunday breakfast with my brothers family. A really wonderful weekend
For lunch today I stepped out to the local A&P store and went to the salad bar. A couple of cups of spinach, cucumber, tomato, salad dressing, some pineapple and berries and I was good to go. Later I calculated it all out and lunch was a grand total of 250 calories.
This is easy for me. It wasn’t always but it is now. I passed a Chinese buffet, three pizza parlors, one bagel joint, a Memphis BBQ place, and a McDonald’s’ on my way to the A&P and the salad bar.
I would have given up on the A&P and gone to anyone of the temptations listed above. Not now. I think about it. I think about how much I love a good Chinese buffet. I love BBQ. I even like McDonald’s.
I just don’t eat that way. I don’t eat red meat so the McDonald’s is pretty much out. I rarely have pizza (two slices in the last year plus) and today is not a day for bagels….
Salad Bar.
Lovely woman cashier teased me about the light lunch. “Thin as you are you should eat more than a salad”. When I told her I had lost 100+ pounds and that is why I eat this lightly She was amazed, congratulated me and told me I look wonderful. I heard her telling the cashier next to her “that guy lost 100 pounds!” as I walked towards the door.
I will be walking a little lighter today from the good feeling that gave me.
Just after I finished my lunch my boss poked his head in my office and asked if I wanted to order Chinese. Old Days: Despite having the salad I say YES and order General Tso’s Chicken. Today? No thanks, just ate. Had I not had a salad? I would have ordered soup.
You can do it. It just takes making the right decisions one decision at a time.
Lessons I am learning:
When I started this Journey I was petrified at the thought of allowing any sort of indulgence. I still avoid them. The reason is simple: allow it today, becomes OK tomorrow, becomes 310 pounds….
My Recent Indulgence. Birthday Cake for Missus. The Younger and I baked it together
Now that I am below my goal weight I have learned that I can have one bad day and get back on it the next day. I still watch it like a hawk and I expect I always will but I have learned to not panic if I allow that one day out of 30 where the calorie count goes high or the piece of birthday cake is a little too large… I have developed the discipline to allow that on the very rare occasion and still get back to the plan, keep on track. That I have maintained my weight below the goal weight since last August 8, 2012 is evidence that I am able to get back to plan very quickly after a day on the wild side.
I will not get smug about this. I am still ever watchful. I must be. I just won’t panic now if I have that one day above plan. I have learned to not let it become two days.
I have had to learn to listen to my body. I never did. I certainly didn’t listen when I was getting it beyond heavy to obese. I pushed past the warning signals, the cry for mercy. I simply refused to hear. As I started my Journey I maintained the same habit. I would not listen when my body begged me to rest. I pushed because I knew my body was a liar. I was asking it to wok and it was telling me it couldn’t. This was why I tried to cycle even though I had injured my knee. I wanted to believe I could push my body past the pain and keep up the activity level and the calorie burn.
I pushed when I had head colds, the flu, aches and pains. I am certain I made problems worse (I certainly did with my knee) by doing this but I was driven to get fit.
Now I am working on listening. I have been dealing with the remnants of a head cold and I dearly wanted to get on the bike last night. I had to listen to the body. It told me no. The body said it wasn’t ready. My body was right. I mowed the lawn and then I had to rest on the porch for a bit. If I had tried to cycle I would have been calling Missus asking her to come fetch me.
I am learning to trust what my body tells me. Not all the way there yet, I still suspect the body of lying now and again, but I am getting there.
Confusing People
Pizza day in the office at work tomorrow. I didn’t know anything about this until I got a text a little while ago from a woman in the office telling me not to bring lunch because they are ordering in pizza.
I texted back a thanks but mentioned I don’t eat pizza and will have my normal lunch.
The reply text? “Really? NO PIZZA???”
It confuses people.
Yes I did say above that I can allow the occasional indulgence. That was birthday cake this weekend past. It isn’t pizza tomorrow. Discipline.
People see me as lean. They don’t know what it took to get here. It confuses them. I am lean, why not enjoy a slice or two? Because I plan to stay lean.
Decisions. As I said above, making the right decisions one decision at a time.
I have a head cold. Missus will tell you, with a great deal of truth, that I am a terrible patient. I hate being sick (doesn’t everyone) and I tend to get the worst of it when a cold or the flu goes through the family, as it is now.
It started with the Younger One and moved on to Missus and now I have it. Last night was hell. No sleep, pain in my throat, congestion. Sigh. I hate colds…
So I am catching up on some blog stuff.
It is almost two weeks since the Five Boro Bike tour and I am still enjoying the glow of a fun ride and time with good friends, new and old.
I hope to be well enough to ride on Saturday or Sunday. I didn’t ride last weekend, though I did hike, and I want to get on the bike…..
Yes you CAN
This is a steady theme on this blog. YOU can lose weight. Don’t dare tell me you can’t. You can get out and get exercise, get fit, lose weight. YOU CAN.
I did. I have lost the weight, I am keeping it off. I am getting more and more fit. I decided to do it. I put my mind, heart and soul in to doing it.
You can do it.
I am worn out by people telling me I did a great job, wish they could lose weight like that but they just CAN’T.
The body knows no secret to keeping weight on. Don’t feed it and you will lose weight. Under feed it and you will lose weight slower. YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT.
When I was a waiter at a Catskill Mountain resort in the late 1970′s, there was a masseuse at the hotel who was as wide as she was tall, let’s call her Sally. I worked the Children’s/Athletic Staff dining room and Sally ate her meals, three times a day, in my dining room. Lunch was always interesting. She would order the salad platter. A scoop of Tuna Salad, a scoop of Egg Salad, lettuce, tomato, some other vegetables. The platter was probably a reasonable 600 calories or so. Sally would then reward herself for eating the salad platter by having two pieces of cake.
Then she would complain about not losing weight.
She could. She wouldn’t.
I think that is the distinction. If you are overweight you can lose weight. The question is will you? Will you make the changes in what you eat, how much you eat and WHY you eat to make the weight loss happen?
Enough pulpit pounding for today.
Pictures from the Five Boro Bike Tour
It was a beautiful day for a ride. Very cold at the start, very windy as we waited on Church Street at 6:00 in the morning. I was wrapped in a plastic trash bag to keep the wind off me. In one of the pictures you can see it rolled up in my jersey pocket before I put it in the trash at the first rest area.
I think I stopped shivering somewhere on 6th Avenue just before we entered Central Park.
By the time we crossed back from The Bronx in to Manhattan I had warmed up as the temperatures rose on a sun-filled day with little wind and not a cloud to be seen. Once out of the Concrete Canyon that is 6th Avenue it was a wonderful ride.
SM, NI and Me. 6:30 AM, at the start line. Trying hard to look cheerful and not frozen….
Crossing the Queensboro Bridge
I think you can see on my face the pleasure I am taking from this ride. I had crested the bridge, I had clear road ahead of me and I was soaking in the sun. Captured in this picture is all that I have worked for over the last 18 months
At the Brooklyn Bridge Rest Area with Lower Manhattan as a backdrop. You can see the New World Trade Center Tower behind me.
Rolling down the FDR Drive….
And one Last Picture from the Tour(s)
On the left is the 2010 tour as I cross the Queensboro Bridge. 260 pounds and my weight is on the way up. On the right is the 2013 Tour as I cross the Queensboro Bridge. 201 pounds and holding steady.
Who is that man in the pictures, The Man in the Mirror?
There is something disconcerting about seeing the lean me. It is as though I am seeing someone else, someone not me, someone I barely know, a mere acquaintance, a friend of a friend’s friend.
You would think that after 52 years I would know me on sight but I don’t. I see me. I know it is me. I just don’t know that it is me.
At the Brooklyn BRidge Rest Area with Lower Manhattan as a backdrop. You can see the New World Trade Center Tower behind me.
This picture is what has me thinking about this. I am at a rest area on the Five Boro Bike Tour. New York City, my favorite city, is in the background. It is a beautiful day and I distinctly remember the picture being taken, the feelings I had as I stood and looked at the Manhattan skyline, the joy of the ride. I just don’t remember being the person in the picture.
I have a long way to go. Many days, weeks, months, maybe even years, before I am accustomed to being this person, this person in the picture.
I am accustomed to being fat, to being big, to being the old me, the me I was on and off since I was in my early twenties.
I look in the mirror and I am still surprised to see who is looking back. I am still expecting to see the 300 pound me or maybe the 280 pound me. The 200 pound me is still so unfamiliar to me.
There is a loss of identity. I am not sure who I am in this new body of mine.
I think perhaps that is part of the psychology of weight gain after a weight loss. This sense of being lost, not knowing who you are, what you are, if you are not the fat person you are so accustomed to being. I think perhaps this is why I talk about the loss so much, the Journey, why I write this blog…
If I talk about it, the me I was the me I am getting to be, If I stay in touch with the old me by talking about him, then I don’t miss being me so much….
Don’t misunderstand: I do not want to ever be that person again. I am just trying to understand why I am not yet the person I see in the mirror, the man in the picture.
A Good Story to Tell
Today someone told me that I have a good story to tell. This was meant in a very good way. I took it in a very good way.
I guess I do have a good story to tell. What else can I say about being fat, out of shape and slowly killing myself one extra serving at a time?
I m proud of having lost the weight. I am proud of improving my fitness. I am proud of keeping the weight off.
This is why I keep telling the story.
I am told that I inspire people. That still surprises me even though I have been told this many times. I am so surprised that I am seen as an inspiration. I was so ashamed of myself. So embarrassed at being fat, out of shape,
*snicker* Two legs in one pants leg Giggle…..
being seen as out of control, slovenly.
So maybe that is why I am seen as an inspiration. Because I took control, got it together and had the courage to write about it here.
It is a good story. I will keep telling it. If it inspires someone to work towards better health… Well it feels good to think that I may have in some small way helped someone along their Journey
Here is the picture of me with both legs in one pants leg. It makes me chuckle to see it….
In which I contemplate absurd moments in parenthood, occasionally attempt to refer to myself as a “triathlete” while keeping a straight face, and maybe post some random pictures of stuff I’m knitting
"For heaven's sake (and for the Earth's), let's get it together. Get out there! Listen! The wild places will fill you up. Let them." Walkin' Jim Stoltz, 1953 - 2010
Dedicated to giving you the truth about your weight and weight loss using peer-reviewed scientific journals and medical textbooks. No fads, no gimmicks, just truth. Don't let ignorance stand in your way!
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