Next Sunday will be one year since I tore the meniscus and two ligaments in my right knee.
Why not wait until the anniversary to write about it? Because yesterday I rode my bike over many of the same roads I rode the day I tore up the knee. That day, June 23, 2012, I was 22 miles in to a 50 mile ride when I got hurt. I was not riding particularly well but I was mostly keeping up with the group and I was not the only one who had to walk up Vreeland Avenue.
Yesterday I ride with my boss at the bike shop and one other fellow. They are both stronger riders than I am and they had to wait up for me a couple of times. I was not riding particularly well but I had some good moments. I paced my boss up a hill and rode that one hill very well. I struggled on Vreeland Avenue BUT I DID NOT HAVE TO WALK IT.
Leaning in to a fast sweep…. The camera is parallel to the handle bars…..
Crossing the Reservoir Bridge
Approaching the Reservoir Tavern…
This ride was only a little under 25 miles, not the 50 mile ride I was on nearly a year ago. I have ridden further than that and I do so on a regular basis. But Sunday was a 25 mile ride and I was not riding well and…. But I didn’t walk Vreeland Avenue.
On June 17, 2012 I weighed 225 pounds. I am 25 less now. One year ago I was still taking the weight off, still getting in to shape. I was walking long hills.
I didn’t have to walk Vreeland Avenue yesterday.
And I finished the ride in good health. This is a good thing.
Next week I may ride with the early group on the shop ride. They ride hard and fast. If they drop me that will be fine. I need to ride with better riders riding at a brisk pace if I am to get stronger as a rider myself.
I would not have dreamed of that ride just one year ago… Now I think it may be time…
Why? Well, I suppose it is to reflect the changes in me. I do not have a fat body any more. I am still, inside, in my mind, emotionally, a fat man. The body on the other hand….. Well, simply put…. I am not fat.
I remember when I wrote a blog post as I crossed under my goal weight of 210 pounds. I remember that rather than exultation at reaching the goal weight, I felt relief. Not relief as in the pursuit is over but rather relief that no one could look at me and say I was fat. I could not be called a fat man anymore. I was simply not fat. I was almost in tears as I wrote those words. I didn’t realize just how much being “the fat man” hurt until I wrote those words and the tears started to falls.
So I have added the subtitle. I am not fat. I am not ever sort of fat. Not on the outside. Not where you can see. Inside, in my emotional self I am still the fat man. Still afraid of being called fat, being made fun of, being afraid of being embarrassed by not fitting in a seat, standing out due to my size.
The subtitle s a start for me. An acknowledgement of the change.
Nice Dinner
Tonight we had a really nice vegetarian dinner. Most of our dinners are vegetarian come think of it.. Anyway. Tonight I grilled Kabocha, sweet potato, and plantain. Missus roasted golden and red beets and I took the greens from the beets and chopped them up with some onion and red pepper. I steamed them in a foil pouch on the grill.
All very tasty, very nutritious, very healthy. We sat on the back deck and relaxed and enjoyed the meal.
The Younger and I discussed science and school and had one of the more grownup conversations we have had to date. He is a bright kid.
The dogs romped about on the deck; Casey chasing birds, Cody wondering what is wrong with Casey…
My last two posts have been something less than cheery. Part visit from The Black Dog, part anger over the insulting post, I lost track of the positives for a little bit. Sorry about that.
But I feel much better now.
I am by nature an intense person. I let that tendency get the better of me.
Along the road at the Ride for Autism
I am feeling good overall and I should let that out a bit more.
I am truly enjoying my new job. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I have a good fit at work.
I am also enjoying the part-time gig at the Local Bike Shop. Great group of people and I get to talk bikes all day. How could that be bad?
I am having trouble finding the opportunity during the week to ride but I am getting in my miles on weekends. If the weather allows, I will ride my bike to the shop each day this weekend for work and I will do the early morning ride on Sunday at the bike shop as well. That should bring me close to 100 miles for the weekend.
It is a funny thing, emotions. How one little insect was able to ruin a harvest of good feelings from the wonderful weekend I spent riding with my friend NI and then hanging out. Foolish of me to allow it.
The Ride For Autism (again)
I know I wrote about it a little yesterday and I hope you will forgive a revisit.
I had a great time. I felt great on the hills, I felt great in general. It is a wonderful thing to be at the 25 mile point and not feel any weariness when engaged in a 50+ mile ride. So much has changed in the last year. A year ago NI had to put his hand on my back and push me up a hill. No need this year. This year I had all that I needed to ride. A great feeling in deed.
The people who organize the ride did a fine job. The rest areas were good, the ride reasonably well-marked, the post ride meal a vast improvement over last years, though soft tacos were a challenge to handle.
You can count on me doing the ride again next year.
Maybe someday there will be no need for the Ride For Autism…
My Quest For a Century
In cycling a Century refers to a 100-mile ride. It is something of a badge of honor for the weekend cyclist to say they have ridden 100 miles and I know many cyclists who can tell you every detail of their first century.
Even when I was young and deeply involved in cycling, I never rode a Century. Came close. Did 65 miles rides, 70 miles. Never broke 100.
I have set challenges for myself all along the Journey.
The High Point-Cape May ride is high on that list. Even though the ride will be 208+ miles, we will not do a Century. We will likely do 60 the first day (the hilliest section) and then 75 each the last two days. No century.
So I am looking for a century ride before the summer is out.
Why?
Because I know it will push me to a psychological limit. I have never gone there. I don’t know if I can. It is my personal distance barrier. The place I have never gone and thus I am a little intimidated by it.
This Journey has been all about pushing myself past the limits I have imposed on myself.
Breaking this one down will be one more important step in redefining myself.
Anyone want to come along?
Experimenting in the Kitchen
Our friends PG and DG came to dinner Sunday night.
I made salmon marinated in low sodium soy sauce and ginger. Slow cooked on the grill, served with grilled Kabocha squash, roasted onion and mushrooms steamed on the grill with sun-dried tomatoes, rosemary and mild chili powder. We served this with a green salad. All very good. All very low-calorie and yet filling.
Tonight I am going to try to invent a new recipe for vegetarian stuffed grape leaves Starting with red and black rice and red lentils, some finely chopped onion, fresh dill and some other spices…. I will let you know how this works out.
I have been asked several times if my meals are boring without red meats. I now reply that my meals are much more varied than they were 18 months ago. With the range of vegetables available year-round now, our meal have grown in diversity. Yes, we eat a great deal of Kabocha squash when we can find it. We also eat six or seven types of rice, a variety of lentils, many different beans and greens. We eat 4 or 5 varieties of fish and we have discovered vegetables and fruits we never knew existed.
Our range of cuisines has expanded. We now frequently eat Indian food and eat a wide range of dishes. We have Japanese and Chinese, African and South American foods.
Think about that range as you eat that burger and fries for the third time this week.
Not everything we have tried has been wonderful Several fruits and veggies we have tried have been less than enjoyable but most have added variety to our menu. I had never cooked plantains or quinoa, only rarely had couscous and had no idea that there were white sweet potatoes or purple potatoes.
Among the many food stuffs in my kitchen right now are the grape leaves, five kinds of rice, a bag of fresh lychee, Kabocha and butternut squash, a variety of chutney, two types of curry powder, dried chilies, four types of fish, plums, apples, onions, and a range of greens.
Nothing dull or boring.
I think the best thing I did in terms of adding variety was eliminating red meat.
This past Saturday was the long discussed Ride for Autism. After worrying about the weather and the dealing with drenching rains on Friday, Saturday dawned overcast but dry. The road dried quickly and by the start of the ride at 8:00 AM the roads were in good shape and ready for the riders.
Though I had planned on riding 62 miles, we cut it short to 55 when threatening weather convinced my riding companion and I that discretion was the better part of…. Well, staying dry. As it turned out, the threatening sky gave up only a few drops of rain.
It was a fun ride and the company was great. There were many enthusiastic riders, all doing their part to raise money for Autism research.
A personal note: thank you to all who donated to the cause. I am truly grateful.
The nice thing for was that come Sunday morning I was in great shape and felt no effects from the ride.
On the left: Last year Ride for Autism On the right: This years Ride for Autism. Even 30 pounds make quite a difference.
I am now certain that I am ready for my first century ride and I am looking for the right opportunity.
For no Particular Reason: A True Story from my Youth
I was seven years old.
My brothers and I went down to the river that winds its way through town. I was not then (nor am I now) a strong swimmer. We all took turns swinging from a vine out over the water, letting go and splashing down in to the water. Great fun on a summer day.
My brothers, bigger and stronger than I was, were able to swing out further and higher and were able to make bigger splashes. Being the competitive little fellow I was I gave it my all and with a great running leap and grab I swung out over the river just as high and far as my brothers had. I made a great splash and started to swim back to shore. It was then that the current decided to take a hold of me and pull me along down the river. I was not a strong enough swimmer to overcome the pull of the river as my brothers could. The river was taking me and I began to panic. I can still remember my oldest brother running along the shore trying to figure out how to get to me as the river pulled me further away and out towards the middle.
I remember thinking that I was going to die. I was 7 and I was sure that death had me. And I was frightened.
And then, very suddenly, strong arms lifted me out of the water. I remember my arm being grabbed and I remember flying out of the water and landing in a canoe in the arms of a man with a beard. He and his canoe mate had seen me, paddled over and saved my life. A simple act with profound ramification for my family, for people I would not meet for decades, for my children yet to be…
The canoeists paddled me over to the shore and I climbed out. Wobbly knees and still frightened and confused I thanked him and my brothers thanked him. He scolded us for playing in the river that way.
We walked on home with my brothers eliciting solemn oaths from me to NEVER tell our parents. Too late. The canoeists beached their canoe and followed us by car up the hill to our home and told my mother what had happened. I remember my mother thanking him and his friend with hugs and teary eyes.
I thought my mother would finish what the river started. I was wrong. She hugged me tightly, more tightly than I can ever remember being hugged before and rarely since. Of course she also grounded me for a week…
I don’t know The canoeists name. Never did know it. If my mother knew it she took the name with her when she passed away
I would like to thank him. I hope he has told the story and received approving comments and pats on the back from those listening.
Climbing Out
This Journey of mine…
This has all been painful. Holding myself out to anyone who happens across this blog. Exposing my scars, my bleeding wounds. The traumas of 52 years of living a hairbreadth away from spinning wildly out of control. Ripping open barely healed scar tissue.
I have pushed myself in ways I could not have imagined two years ago. I have sat at this computer and dug deeply to find the reasons I became fat, lazy and detached. I have sat here and tried to understand what happened to the 17-year old with boundless energy and untapped potential. I looked hard to find the remnants of that boy in the man starting the journey.
I started in a deep depression. I consciously and aggressively fought the depression. I forced myself out of the hole. I forced myself, one step at a time, literally and figuratively, to climb the mountain.
I got up there. Battered, exhausted and in pain but I got there. I climbed the hills with PGB and MT and I climbed my emotional mountains each and every day. I tried to keep a positive outlook and I tried to write about this journey in an uplifting way to keep my spirits up.
This has been a fight. A fight I was never quit sure I would win or even be around for at the end.
When I was 35, one week before my 36th birthday, long before I reached my heaviest, I was lying in the hospital with an out of control heart beat. My blood pressure was sky rocketing. My heart was throwing in extra beats and I the doctors were certain they would find blockages when they rushed me in for cardiac catheterization. Nothing. Wide open arteries. Lose weight, get fit, take these pills and start taking care of yourself.
Fourteen years later….
So I started the Journey a little late.
When I started it I went all in. I stripped naked to the world and said HERE IT IS.
Pain.
Fear
It all factored in. I wanted to have the wrong foods. I wanted to have a PB&J. I wanted to throw in the towel more than a few times. I wanted to go back to my comfort zone. As much as I hated being fat I know HOW to be fat. I was me. It was who I was. I could hide. I could be that person. I was easy. “no, would love to but I am so out of shape…” “Yes I will have that extra helping. See how easy it is to have me as a guest/ I will eat anything and everything and in large quantities.”
Do you understand? Being fat was physically uncomfortable but emotionally familiar and safe. I hated being fat but it was easy. It was safer to stay fat then risk failure (again) trying to become lean.
Do you know? Do you see what a risk this blog has been? I am out there. If I failed you would all see it. You would see ME. The failure. ME. It would be so easy to stay hidden. Stay fat. Stay behind the wall.
I have climbed a mountain here. I did it in full view. I climbed El Capitan on Wide World of Sports with Jim McKay breathlessly describing every misstep.
I don’t say my Journey has been unique or for all that it is, all that impressive when there are those who have lost twice as much weight or more than I have and have done it in the public eye.
But it has been MY journey. All mine. My unique issues and tribulations. My fears, my pain, my anxieties and my insecurities.
And tonight, as I fought the temptations that I fight almost every day, I remembered that I am still climbing this mountain and I held on. I gripped the rock and the rope while Jim McKay described the howling winds.. Soon the wind died down and soon it calm again. And I was fine. I didn’t give in. I didn’t have the extra serving or the large snack or dig in to the jar of peanut butter.
This is it. See? It never gets easy. It never passes completely.
So I write about it. I talk about it. I put it out there and I ask people to pass judgment on me.
Today I am 203 pounds.
Tomorrow maybe more. Maybe less.
By the weekend probably 200. Then who knows. And every day I will step on the scale. And every day I will record the weight in my spread sheet. And every day I will record every calories, every bit of food.
And I will keep climbing the mountain.
Thank you for reading this wild, rambling, stream of consciousness ramble..
At the emotional level, I think I was fat in high school, photographic evidence to the contrary. The emotional landscape is a tricky place.
Though it took me a long time to realize it, this Journey has always been about reinvention. It has been about creating an improved me. At first it was just about the body. Lose weight and get fit. Soon I came to understand that for me to reach the goals I set for weight loss and fitness I had to address the emotions behind the physical me.
I have written about this many times; my need to understand the why behind the excess weight and the constant eating and the underlying needs that the food was feeding. I also had to face the facts that the weight gave me something to hide behind. If I was “The Fat Man” in the group I had an identity that was my own. I didn’t have to establish myself. My size established me, defined me, and categorized me. Everything that came after, the gregariousness, the loudness, the talkativeness, the humor, all came after the size. In new situations I could hide behind my size.
As I lost the weight I often wrote about trying to figure out who I am if I am not “The Fat Man”.
If you are picking up an undercurrent of insecurity, well yes, that is a big part of it all.
I am convinced that a factor in gaining back the weight for many who have traveled a similar Journey is this insecurity, addressing the physical side without addressing the emotions behind it. There is a loss of identity in weight loss. My image of myself is of a fat man. I KNOW I was lean in high school. I remember that I weighed in the 170’s and peaked around 200 pounds by the time I graduated but I still have a moment of surprise when I see the pictures of the lean teenager I was. I think I was always fat.
I came to realize that for this weight loss to be a permanent thing, for me to stay below my maximum allowable weight (205 pounds), I would have to become the lean me emotionally not only physically.
I am self-conscious with a plate of food in my hand. I still think I am the big fat guy overeating. I have to understand that I am not a fat guy. I am not thin. This much I know, but I am not fat. I am more lean. I am fit. I know this intellectually. I have to understand it emotionally and I am not there yet.
This is the reinvention. I have to become the lean me. I have to think lean but more to the point I have to FEEL lean. I have to see myself as lean and fit. I still see myself as fat.
Without the fat to hide behind I find that I talk less. I am quieter. Now understand that all things are relative and I am still a chatty guy. It is a matter of degrees. When I started to Hike with PGB and MT I would talk the entire hike (when not gasping for air). I am now content to chat a little and enjoy the act of the hike. Maybe PGB and MT hear it differently but that is my perception.
I am reinventing my person. Growing more comfortable with the skin I am in. I am stretching myself.
I have recently accepted a part-time job at a Local Bike Shop, combining my love of cycling with my gregarious nature. I am stretching myself to pursue a deeper involvement in this avocation.
Reinvention.
I didn’t know it back 18 months ago that this was all about reinvention. I know it now.
My New Weight Goal
After nine months at or below my goal weight, after successfully maintaining my weight through the winter months and the unusually cold and wet spring, I am now ready to reset the weight goal.
I am still medically overweight. That is to say according to the Body Mass Index (yes a highly flawed measure) I am still in the “overweight” range.
I have a BMI of about 26. To fall in to the normal range I need a BMI of 24.9 or less. That would be 191 pounds. I am 200 right now.
I don’t know that I will get to 191 and that is not truly my goal. Knowing the BMI is highly flawed and does not take in to account bone structure or muscle mass, I am aiming for a BMI of 25.4 or 195 pounds. I am adjusting my weight chart to reflect this new goal and I will change the “Weighty Issues” section of this blog to reflect the new goal.
Why? Well not simply for the BMI. The reality is I am still carrying too high a percentage of fat on my frame. I still have a belly on me. I am looking at buying a scale that measures fat percentage. I know they are not extremely accurate but they tend to be consistent. That will give me the base line and help me track my progress.
With just five or six pounds to go to the new goal I plan to take it slowly, keeping calories at the current level and increasing the activity. The plan is to continue improving my fitness and building muscle mass and reduce the fat percentage. This will result in slow going to the goal. I will get there.
This will all result in a healthier and stronger me. I am looking at upper body workouts now. Has to help.
So there it is; my new goal.
Plans
On Saturday I had thought about going for a hike but then I remembered I start my new part-time gig on Saturday. I am JAZZED. On Sunday I am riding in the Bergen County Bike Tour in Bergen County NJ. 45 miles and I have only ridden 20 miles since May 5. Oh My! Well at least I can breathe again as the lingering effects of the head cold are finally drifting off.
Saturday June 8 I am in the Ride 4 Autism, doing a metric Century (62 miles equals 100 kilometers) with my good friends KG and NI.
Sunday I will work at the Bike shop. I plan to ride to work and back and in this way get in my 30 miles. If I get there early enough I can also do the club ride and get a really good day of riding in.
I like these plans. I like making plans. Making plans has been a major factor, if not THE major factor, in my weight loss and fitness. Heck, I even call it “The Plan”.
I think a mistake that is common on Journeys such as this is failing to plan. I plan everything. Meal, hikes, walk, rides, sleep….
Without the plans I would be lost.
With the plans I have found an entirely new me, though I am still figuring out who that is.
When I started this Journey in December 2011 I really had no clue what I was getting in to. I didn’t know that I would soon start a blog and would expose every raw nerve to anyone who happened across my writings.
I didn’t know that emotions would play such a large part in the Journey. I didn’t realize it was a Journey at all at the time.
I started the Journey because I was fat and it bothered me to be fat. I felt awful all the time. I was physically uncomfortable all the time. It was only after I started the work to take off the weight that I started to really explore the emotions and psychology of all this.
In this blog I have shared with everyone who cared to read about it most of the emotions I have experienced as I traveled along. Al of the anger, fear, anxiety, depression, joy, pleasure, rapture, exultation and so on of this trip has been laid out before you.
I would say up days have been more common than down days but it is close. For each time I was overjoyed by an accomplishment, there would be a nearly offsetting day of depression or anxiety.
This journey has been a rocky one to be sure. It has also been overwhelmingly worthwhile.
As I have battled all of these ups and downs I have also explored the reasons for them.
I am working on putting these thoughts in to a blog post and I will post it soon.
The Weekend Trip
What had started out as a family trip to my brother’s family home I for the Memorial Weekend Cookout his family hosts each year turned in to a Father-Son weekend for the Younger one and me. With Missus down with a respiratory infection,we decided that I would take the younger one and Missus and the older one and the two hounds would stay home. Instead of leaving at silly o’clock Saturday morning the younger and I left Friday afternoon, pulling in to the hotel at 10:00 PM.
At the Museum
Instead of spending Saturday morning in the car, the younger and I were able to enjoy a relaxed yet light breakfast and then went to the Air and Space museum at Dulles International before heading off to the cookout.
The Younger One in front of the Space Shuttle
One of the most satisfying aspects of the weight loss and the fitness has been the ability to do what I could not contemplate before. When all was said and done and the Younger and I had explored every nook and cranny of the museum, my FITBIT said we had walked a little over three and a half miles. Then we went to the cookout where I essentially stood or walked the entire day from 1:30 until we headed back to the hotel at 9:30.
The Space Shuttle. WE were the first visitors of the day to get to the Shuttle display and we were able to take pictures without people in the way!
The Younger One at the Museum
To do this two years ago was simply not in the range of my abilities. I would not have been able to walk three plus miles and then stand and walk and climb stairs and chat and walk and stand and climb stairs… Barely sitting at all the entire day. Could not have done it. I would have been exhausted and in great discomfort.
It was easy yesterday.
I really enjoyed the museum. I loved the cookout. Spending the weekend with The Younger One? PRICELESS!
The Cookout
Controlling my eating at the cookout was a failure. I over-ate. By a bunch. I had brownies. I had a cupcake. I had a cookie. I had several bowls of vegetarian chili. I had two chicken skewers. I had some salads, many strawberries, etc. I did NOT have red meat or diet soda or regular soda or alcohol or a myriad of other not so good for me foods but what I ate I ate much of.
I think I had about 3500 calories yesterday and I am not really happy with my lack of discipline. I decided to allow myself the day of excess and to not beat myself up about it but today I beat myself up pretty good….
I did get up early this morning and do a mile + on the treadmill at the hotel and I have kept today’s calorie count below 2000. I did enjoy yesterday but giving in to temptation and eating to excess still frightens me.
Much of my conversation yesterday had to do with how much weight I have lost and how I did it. Some of the people there have not seen me in two years, most have not seen me in a year. Several did not recognize me until my Brother introduced me. One refused to believe I could have lost that much weight (we had never met before) until I showed him the before picture.
I enjoy the conversations. I truly do. Who does not like to hear the kudos and huzzahs? Still I am starting to feel like a one trick pony. It is as if I have nothing else to say… I have to work on this.
I guess it is natural for people to be curious about how and why. The how has always been easier for me to explain than the why. Silly as that sounds. The why is rather complicated. On the surface of course it is because being 100+ pounds over weight is unhealthy and uncomfortable and I hated it. But that is not what people are asking when they ask why. They are asking why did it become so important to you that you have been able to lose it and keep it off when so many fail in their efforts to lose it and most who do lose it can’t keep it off. What happened? Why is it working for you.
That is the harder question to answer because I don’t really know.
The cookout was a little smaller this year I think as the weather was cooler than normal for this time of year. It was still wonderful. Seeing my Nephews and my niece and their friends and the friends of my brother and his wife is always fun for me. Being so comfortable in the skin I am in made it much more fun.
My cousin the cardiologist was at the part y this year. He has not seen me in person in a couple of years though he has seen the pictures. His JOY at seeing the new lean me was palpable. When a cardiologist sings your praise it feels good.
So a weekend with The Younger One, a wonderful cookout, praise from friends and family and forgiving myself for over indulgence and getting right back on plan the next day and Sunday breakfast with my brothers family. A really wonderful weekend
For lunch today I stepped out to the local A&P store and went to the salad bar. A couple of cups of spinach, cucumber, tomato, salad dressing, some pineapple and berries and I was good to go. Later I calculated it all out and lunch was a grand total of 250 calories.
This is easy for me. It wasn’t always but it is now. I passed a Chinese buffet, three pizza parlors, one bagel joint, a Memphis BBQ place, and a McDonald’s’ on my way to the A&P and the salad bar.
I would have given up on the A&P and gone to anyone of the temptations listed above. Not now. I think about it. I think about how much I love a good Chinese buffet. I love BBQ. I even like McDonald’s.
I just don’t eat that way. I don’t eat red meat so the McDonald’s is pretty much out. I rarely have pizza (two slices in the last year plus) and today is not a day for bagels….
Salad Bar.
Lovely woman cashier teased me about the light lunch. “Thin as you are you should eat more than a salad”. When I told her I had lost 100+ pounds and that is why I eat this lightly She was amazed, congratulated me and told me I look wonderful. I heard her telling the cashier next to her “that guy lost 100 pounds!” as I walked towards the door.
I will be walking a little lighter today from the good feeling that gave me.
Just after I finished my lunch my boss poked his head in my office and asked if I wanted to order Chinese. Old Days: Despite having the salad I say YES and order General Tso’s Chicken. Today? No thanks, just ate. Had I not had a salad? I would have ordered soup.
You can do it. It just takes making the right decisions one decision at a time.
Lessons I am learning:
When I started this Journey I was petrified at the thought of allowing any sort of indulgence. I still avoid them. The reason is simple: allow it today, becomes OK tomorrow, becomes 310 pounds….
My Recent Indulgence. Birthday Cake for Missus. The Younger and I baked it together
Now that I am below my goal weight I have learned that I can have one bad day and get back on it the next day. I still watch it like a hawk and I expect I always will but I have learned to not panic if I allow that one day out of 30 where the calorie count goes high or the piece of birthday cake is a little too large… I have developed the discipline to allow that on the very rare occasion and still get back to the plan, keep on track. That I have maintained my weight below the goal weight since last August 8, 2012 is evidence that I am able to get back to plan very quickly after a day on the wild side.
I will not get smug about this. I am still ever watchful. I must be. I just won’t panic now if I have that one day above plan. I have learned to not let it become two days.
I have had to learn to listen to my body. I never did. I certainly didn’t listen when I was getting it beyond heavy to obese. I pushed past the warning signals, the cry for mercy. I simply refused to hear. As I started my Journey I maintained the same habit. I would not listen when my body begged me to rest. I pushed because I knew my body was a liar. I was asking it to wok and it was telling me it couldn’t. This was why I tried to cycle even though I had injured my knee. I wanted to believe I could push my body past the pain and keep up the activity level and the calorie burn.
I pushed when I had head colds, the flu, aches and pains. I am certain I made problems worse (I certainly did with my knee) by doing this but I was driven to get fit.
Now I am working on listening. I have been dealing with the remnants of a head cold and I dearly wanted to get on the bike last night. I had to listen to the body. It told me no. The body said it wasn’t ready. My body was right. I mowed the lawn and then I had to rest on the porch for a bit. If I had tried to cycle I would have been calling Missus asking her to come fetch me.
I am learning to trust what my body tells me. Not all the way there yet, I still suspect the body of lying now and again, but I am getting there.
Confusing People
Pizza day in the office at work tomorrow. I didn’t know anything about this until I got a text a little while ago from a woman in the office telling me not to bring lunch because they are ordering in pizza.
I texted back a thanks but mentioned I don’t eat pizza and will have my normal lunch.
The reply text? “Really? NO PIZZA???”
It confuses people.
Yes I did say above that I can allow the occasional indulgence. That was birthday cake this weekend past. It isn’t pizza tomorrow. Discipline.
People see me as lean. They don’t know what it took to get here. It confuses them. I am lean, why not enjoy a slice or two? Because I plan to stay lean.
Decisions. As I said above, making the right decisions one decision at a time.
Who is that man in the pictures, The Man in the Mirror?
There is something disconcerting about seeing the lean me. It is as though I am seeing someone else, someone not me, someone I barely know, a mere acquaintance, a friend of a friend’s friend.
You would think that after 52 years I would know me on sight but I don’t. I see me. I know it is me. I just don’t know that it is me.
At the Brooklyn BRidge Rest Area with Lower Manhattan as a backdrop. You can see the New World Trade Center Tower behind me.
This picture is what has me thinking about this. I am at a rest area on the Five Boro Bike Tour. New York City, my favorite city, is in the background. It is a beautiful day and I distinctly remember the picture being taken, the feelings I had as I stood and looked at the Manhattan skyline, the joy of the ride. I just don’t remember being the person in the picture.
I have a long way to go. Many days, weeks, months, maybe even years, before I am accustomed to being this person, this person in the picture.
I am accustomed to being fat, to being big, to being the old me, the me I was on and off since I was in my early twenties.
I look in the mirror and I am still surprised to see who is looking back. I am still expecting to see the 300 pound me or maybe the 280 pound me. The 200 pound me is still so unfamiliar to me.
There is a loss of identity. I am not sure who I am in this new body of mine.
I think perhaps that is part of the psychology of weight gain after a weight loss. This sense of being lost, not knowing who you are, what you are, if you are not the fat person you are so accustomed to being. I think perhaps this is why I talk about the loss so much, the Journey, why I write this blog…
If I talk about it, the me I was the me I am getting to be, If I stay in touch with the old me by talking about him, then I don’t miss being me so much….
Don’t misunderstand: I do not want to ever be that person again. I am just trying to understand why I am not yet the person I see in the mirror, the man in the picture.
A Good Story to Tell
Today someone told me that I have a good story to tell. This was meant in a very good way. I took it in a very good way.
I guess I do have a good story to tell. What else can I say about being fat, out of shape and slowly killing myself one extra serving at a time?
I m proud of having lost the weight. I am proud of improving my fitness. I am proud of keeping the weight off.
This is why I keep telling the story.
I am told that I inspire people. That still surprises me even though I have been told this many times. I am so surprised that I am seen as an inspiration. I was so ashamed of myself. So embarrassed at being fat, out of shape,
*snicker* Two legs in one pants leg Giggle…..
being seen as out of control, slovenly.
So maybe that is why I am seen as an inspiration. Because I took control, got it together and had the courage to write about it here.
It is a good story. I will keep telling it. If it inspires someone to work towards better health… Well it feels good to think that I may have in some small way helped someone along their Journey
Here is the picture of me with both legs in one pants leg. It makes me chuckle to see it….
I knew that losing weight and getting fit would bring on changes in my body. I just wasn’t really prepared for just how extensive those changes would be. As Missus and I did a next-to-last purge of the fat man clothes a few nights ago I came across a pair of dress slacks that I had for years. Wonderful wool slacks, a medium gray, the best pair of slacks I have every owned, now way to large. How large? I was able to put BOTH of my legs in to one of the pants legs… Should have taken a picture of THAT….
Jackets once too tight now wrap around me like a bathrobe. Sweater once snug are now like tents on me.
All three males in this household wear the same waist pants! 34-inch waist on the Older, the Young and the Dad….
Odd things.
Like these….
I started wearing Bib-shorts for cycling a number of years ago because the waist on regular cycling shorts would roll down because of my gut. Bib-shorts would serve the dual purpose of preventing that and holding in the belly so I looked a little thinner.
I got to the point I was wearing XXL bib-shorts.
Now all my bib-shorts are too large on me (even the XL) and I now find that I wear a MEDIUM in a regular cycling short. How’s THEM apples….
Fortunately I do have a couple of pair of bib shorts that still fit OK and I can wear them but…. Well, I am looking forward to buying regular cycling shorts. IN A MEDIUM!
My jersey size is still an XL… Go figure… Well that is at least in part because I like a slightly loose jersey and my long torso begs for a longer shirt….
Odd things…
Trying to Keep the Calories UP
I am having trouble again keeping my calories up. I find that with the new job (and the increased walking and so forth) and my continued slide to vegetarian I am coming in at
Roasted Cauliflower, Sweet Potato, and Broccoli, Coriander Chutney, Matouks Flambeau Hot Sauce and Lentils in a spicy tomato Sauce…
1000 calories or more UNDER plan. This would explain why I have dropped 3 pounds this week on top of the two I lost on the ride this past weekend. I have dropped from 206 on Friday last to 201 this morning.
I have to watch this. Dropping that much that fast at this point is not a good thing. I have to find a way to increase the calories without putting myself at risk of losing control of my eating. This is a concern for me no matter what. I just have to watch it so closely…
Tonight I find myself at a 990 calorie short fall. This is after I allowed myself a chocolate chip cookie (empty, but delicious, calories). So I will be adding in a more substantial lunch at work to see if I can bring the calories up that way. I also need to increase the size of breakfast. Ding that my last three breakfasts have been less than 300 calories… Should be closer to 450 now that I am in maintenance mode…
When I was fat all I really thought about was food. Now that I am lean and for all of the Journey all I ever really think about is food.
Just a different angle on it now…
Giving Back to my Sport…
One of the nice things about an organized bike ride, be it a fund-raiser or just a fun ride, is the rest areas. Free food like PB&J sandwiches, bananas, cereal bars and the like, and water bottle refills, restrooms, and a place to rest up off the bike for a few minutes. They are staffed by volunteers who would probably rather ride but give back to their sport and work the rest areas instead.
I volunteered for a ride sponsored by my bike club last year because I could not ride due to my knee injury.
I was asked to volunteer again this year and I have agreed to do so. The ride is the Ramapo Rally and I will be working the Montville Township NJ rest area. Look for the guy with the Pepper Theme cycling cap.
I look at it as giving back to the sport that has given me so much.
All is Right, Right Now…
Life has normalized a little for us right now. I am working and feeling good about the new job. It is right in my wheelhouse in terms of skills and knowledge and I am enjoying the challenges and I feel on top of my game.
The boys are doing well. The Younger is doing well in school and he is great at watching the Older one for us. The Older one is doing fine, still is, and always will be, a challenge but he is settling a little and his rough times are getting shorter, less rough and a little further apart. We think we have found a program for him for two or three days a week and so he will be able to get out of the house and be with his peeps. That HAS to help. Missus is looking forward to a few hours a few days a week to herself.
It has been a rough road the last few months. I dealt with much self-doubt and frustration. In the old days I would have found refuge in food. This time I found refuge in activity. Cycling mostly, hiking as well. I found the release and relief in pushing myself. This is so far removed from where I was.
So right now, this day, this week, All is Right with my little corner of the world.
A little side note
A note to my friends at home, on Facebook and on this blog, and to my family for their support of the Ride 4 Autism. So far your generosity has raised nearly $1000.00 on my ride page. I am stunned and deeply humbled by the generosity. Thank you
There was a time, a long, long time ago when I might ride 60-70 miles in a weekend. I certainly rode well over 100 miles in a week many times.
It has been a long time since I have ridden so far in a weekend.
I did it this weekend.
I few weeks ago I had a 60 mile weekend. This weekend I had a 70 mile weekend and I feel wonderful
On Saturday I rode 52 miles (as mentioned) and yesterday I did an easy 18+ to keep the legs limber.
I expected to be a little leg-weary today. I wasn’t. I feel great! The legs feel normal. I was up and down stairs today with no sense of stress or effort.
This is progress!
It was a Super Weekend
After weeks of cold and wet and dismal weather, we had a wonderful weekend. Bright sunshine, morning chill giving way to 70-degree afternoons. The Saturday ride started out chilly but soon warmed nicely and with little wind we were all able to enjoy a good spring ride. That afternoon we grilled dinner and ate on the deck.
On Sunday, Missus and I went out and did some shopping and enjoyed each other’s company. We shopped at a little gourmet grocery store and picked up a baguette, some roasted eggplant, some corn and bean salsa, some salmon….
I went for the 18 mile ride after we came home and when I returned I smoked the salmon and we had roasted vegetables and the salmon with the salsa and the roasted eggplant for dinner. Dessert was fresh pineapple.
Somewhere in all this Missus and I went shopping and bought flowers for the front of the house and I planted marigolds, posies and a variety of daisies along the fence.
The Younger and I spent some time together kidding around and playing with the dogs. The Older one spent time with us on the porch as I planted the flowers…
All in all? I couldn’t ask for a better weekend.
That Ain’t so Much…
I was told recently that losing 100+ pounds was not much of an accomplishment. It was the opinion of he who made the statement that losing 100 pounds seemed easy to him because he had lost 15 pounds “like nothing, so 100 pounds Ain’t Much”…
Sigh
To each their own.
It has been a big deal to me.
Just thought I would mention it.
I Don’t Stand Out!
Someone took a handful of pictures of the ride on Saturday and posted them on Facebook. Nice pictures of a fun ride on a beautiful day. I am in three or four of the pictures.
Here is what stood out to me about the pictures I am in: I don’t stand out.
I don’t stand out. Let that sink in for a second.
When you are 100+ pounds overweight you stand out. You are the focus of every photograph. Even standing in the back, hiding behind three or four skinny people, you stand out.
I have stood out in pictures for so many years…. In pictures of family events. In pictures of a casual get-together. In candid shots. In formal shots. I stood out.
In these pictures I stand out to me because I don’t stand out. I look like I belong. I look “normal”. I look unexceptional. I look like everyone else on the ride. I am wearing my cycling tights and my cold weather jersey and I look just like everyone else on the ride.
Later in the pictures I have taken off the cold weather jersey and I have on my regular short-sleeved jersey and I looks just like everyone else.
I don’t stand out.
I am still letting that sink in.
This Week
The Five-Boro Bike Tour is next Sunday. I will spend this week staying healthy and preparing for the ride. I MIGHT get in an evening ride this week if the schedule and the weather permits. Mostly I will stretch, walk, rest and eat right.
And I will stay away from anyone who sneezes or coughs.
I hope to get to the High School field and do some bleacher-sets because I really need to build leg-strength. I don’t seem to have regained all I lost after the knee injury and I am REALLY struggling with hill climbs on my bike…
SO that is the plan. Stay in one piece for the week…
I am really quite pleased with my weight maintenance. I have been hovering between 202 and 205 with one very brief trip to 206. I have held it there for several months now with the exception of the 194 lbs I saw when at the depths of the flu. I can’t say I was thrilled to see 206 but I didn’t panic, I simply adjusted and very quickly the weight came back down. I know why it climbed: I ATE TOO MUCH. Really. That is why….
It came back down because I adjusted what I was eating, increased my activity and the weight adjusted.
I expected this during the winter months when the fickleness of the weather would play games with my activity level. It has.
I told Missus at the beginning of the winter that my goal was to be at 200 pounds at the beginning of March. This would mean that I kept close to the plan, didn’t let winter cause weight gain and would set me up well for the increased activity that the warmer weather of March, and soon April, would allow.
It is February 26, 2013 as I write this.
The weight on the scale this morning was 198.6 lbs. So far the plan is working.
I am below the line. Again. This is my 33rd day under 200 pounds since I started this journey but the first day since January 17. I am very pleased to have crossed the line.
With my birthday coming in about two weeks I am still thinking 195 lbs as a birthday gift to myself.
Rollers
My friend NI sold me a set of rollers. Rollers are the cycling equivalent of a Treadmill but without the rails on the side and the neat Auto-stop tether. The idea is that they mimic riding on the road to a greater degree than a wind trainer can.
The concept is simple, the devil is in the details. I have not ridden them yet. That comes this weekend.
I am looking forward to riding them but I also have a great deal of nervousness… I have a tendency to drift left while riding a bike. I think it comes from my dislike for riding close to the shoulder of the road. Be that as it may, if you drift on rollers you soon find yourself hurtling across your home on a run-away bike followed soon by a sickening CRASH….
This is how I hope to get through the last month of the winter. Riding my bike on rollers…. Wish me luck.
Being Fit, Staying Fit, Hating Winter…
The wet weather around here has limited my hikes. I have not hiked in a bit and I am not happy about it. If Saturday coming will cooperate I will get in a long hike. If not… Well the High School Track will have to do. I went for a long walk on the track. Well not really so long. Total was only 2.75 miles from my front door, around the track four times and then back to the house. I also did 10 bleacher-sets running. When I started this Journey I barely made the first five bleacher-sets and running them was a silly fantasy. Now I run ten. The best part was that The Younger Son walked with me. I love when he goes with me.
But this brings me to my feelings towards winter. I am starting to hate it. I didn’t ya know. I do now. There is not enough snow here to cross-country ski regularly. The rain and cold make walks and hikes less frequent than I prefer. Cycling is difficult.
All of this is making the fitness thing more difficult and now that I am fit I am miffed if anything gets in the way of staying fit and/or improving my fitness.
GRUMBLE.
Spring is coming. Just not soon enough.
I am committed to a 25-30 mile ride around my birthday. My birthday is a Monday so I will make it that Sunday if the weather will allow.
Last year I was so happy to squeak out a ten-mile ride. It was all I could do. Now I am looking forward to a 30 mile ride.
In which I contemplate absurd moments in parenthood, occasionally attempt to refer to myself as a “triathlete” while keeping a straight face, and maybe post some random pictures of stuff I’m knitting
"For heaven's sake (and for the Earth's), let's get it together. Get out there! Listen! The wild places will fill you up. Let them." Walkin' Jim Stoltz, 1953 - 2010
Dedicated to giving you the truth about your weight and weight loss using peer-reviewed scientific journals and medical textbooks. No fads, no gimmicks, just truth. Don't let ignorance stand in your way!
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