When I started this Journey going for a walk was a hardship, something I knew I had to do but something that was difficult to do and tiring and frustrating.
Today I went for a walk. My last for a while, until the knee is healed from the surgery. Today was wonderful and frustrating. I enjoyed the walk, about 7 miles in the woods of the Rockefeller Preserve, but was also frustrated by the knowledge that it would be my last walk for a bit, maybe a month, maybe more. I am not sure what to expect really. I do know that certain motions will not be advisable at first and that I will need physical therapy.
I doubt I will be walking the Preserve again before December. So wonderful. So Frustrating. So far from when I started this Journey. Now walking is my joy, my comfort, my time for meditation.
The weather during the walk was magnificent. Bright blue sky, warm sunshine, a crispness in the air. Couples, young and old, walking along and holding hands. Dogs gamboling about, squirrels and chipmunks darting around, snakes slithering along the trail… Yeeeshh. Hate snakes.
View Along The Hudson
The knee is aching. At least I burned off the breakfast at the Carnegie Deli. Scrambled eggs with lox and onion, a bialy, some home fries…. 1000 calories. OH MY. No lunch, just an apple. A dinner of TVP tacos and no evening snack to keep me in line with the plan.
The Younger, Missus, Me, The Uncle, The Older In front of the Carnegie Deli NYC
Loved the breakfast but it sat in me like a lead weight. I just don’t eat like that anymore….
As I was walking along I couldn’t help but think about the first time I hiked there about a year ago. I was exhausted after a three-mile walk. I questioned my sanity for even thinking about doing it. I was fat and out of shape and I was struggling up hills that now I don’t even realize I have walked.
The Hudson
I did seven miles today and could have done twenty if the knee had been willing and the storm clouds had not rolled in. This is what it is all about, you know. It is about being able to have a life. It is about being able to enjoy a walk in the woods on a comfortable fall day. It is about being able to walk, run, hike, bike, live, work and play and not feel exhausted all the time. It is about being able to have a life of activity and involvement. It is about not sitting at the side lines (too tired to stand) and watching the rest of the world go by. Living. That is what the Journey is about.
Do I feel good? HELL YES. I feel like life is back in my hands. I feel in control of my world. I am not a spectator. I am a participant again.
Why did I lose the weight? Because I wanted to be a part of the world. I wanted LIFE, I wanted to experience LIFE. I wanted to talk about, write about, my adventures. I wanted to be involved again.
I have learned that it will not be given to you. No magic, no wishes, no lottery winning, is going to make it happen. I had to get involved in my life. I had to find my way to the destination. I have found it. I continue to find it, to explore, to discover. I am in control and I am running MY show.
Eat less. Eat Right. Move More. This is what it is about.
The boys and Missus and I will pack up and go to a local county park and spend some time skipping stones, maybe flying a kite and then a nice lunch cooked on the grill. Burgers and salads, apples and cupcakes for the boys, veggie burgers, salads and fruits for Missus and Dad.
The weather promises to be wonderful, the company will undoubtedly be wonderful and we can but hope that it all comes together and is the wonderful day my imagination paints. Life with a disabled child can be an adventure and there is no telling how the Older One will deal with all this but we are optimistic.It was a long and frustrating week and I am glad to be a the weekend now. Three days with the Boys and Missus and all will be well with my world.
Clothes Shopping with Missus
Something I don’t write about often enough is that Missus has been on a Journey of her own. Well, I should say her Journey is taking place alongside mine. Missus has lost a good deal of weight herself and all her clothing is now way big on her. Tonight we went to the store together and Missus picked out some new pants and a few shirts and she looks wonderful in them. I am not much for sitting and waiting patiently but I was very happy to do so while Missus tried on her clothes. It is a wonderful feeling to know that we have traveled this road together. Between the two of us we have lost the equivalent of a good-sized person, over 160 pounds. Imagine….
While waiting I took some self portraits that I think show the real me:
Getting Goofy
Goofier yet
Goofiest
Panic and Palpitations…
I am trying to moderate my calorie intake so I can maintain my weight between 200 and 210 pounds. As I learn to do it better I want to hold it between 200 and 205.
The problem is I have been so focused on 1500 to 1800 calories a day for so long that I am getting panicked when I get up over 2000 calories. Yesterday I was at 2200 calories or so for the day and I was so upset about it that I have only had 1600 today and I will not allow myself to have anything else today. I actually had palpitations when I saw how much I had yesterday. Of course the scale says I am fine, 207 pounds today. I know my weight will bob up and down a couple of pounds from day-to-day and so I am not at all panicked that my weight is up two pounds. It was the 2200 calories that freaked me out…. I know that when I step on the scale in the morning I am as likely to find my weight at 205 as I am at 207 as the body works its magic. The issue here is how do I convince my emotions that it is perfectly OK to have 2200 calories a day now?
This freaking out is a double-edged sword. Yes, it helps me avoid overeating and falling back to bad habits. The other edge is that I cannot continue to lose weight indefinitely and getting much below 200 pounds will not be healthy all in all.
Logically, 2200 calories is not that much and is perfectly fine. It is nowhere near the 4500 to 5500 calories a day I was eating that pushed my weight to 305+ pounds. So how do I make this transition without giving myself ulcers?
I truly have to work on it. It is not a good thing to be so frightened that I get dizzy and break out in cold sweat over a couple of hundred calories…
I do have to walk more though. Fitness is key…
Have to allow myself to eat enough. 200-210. That is the plan. Not 100-110…
Sigh.
The rest of the weekend
On Sunday we are driving out to visit the Mom-In-Law. My mother-in-law is a truly wonderful woman. Nothing at all like the stereotypical Mother-in-law. She has never interfered, has always been accepting and loving. We are going in the morning, bringing bagels, lox, cream cheese… We will probably stay two or three hours. It will be a wonderful time. Sunday afternoon we will relax on the deck, play with the dogs, maybe go for a walk.
On Monday PGB and I are driving up to the Rockefeller Preserve for a day hike, maybe 7-10 miles. Afterwards we will return to my home and for a dinner of grilled salmon, served with grilled sweet potato and salads and fruits.
I am counting on this weekend to recharge my badly drained batteries.
Not Sure if I mentioned this…
Surgery in October to repair my damaged knee. Arthroscopic surgery to repair the torn meniscus and ligaments. An Autumn and Winter of rehabilitation and I should be good to go for riding my bike again come spring.
I have no nervousness about this. I know enough people who have had this and similar knee surgery that I have an understanding from their description of their experiences of what to expect. I am glad there is finally a direction forward.
I am still planning to ride High Point to Cape May next year. Perhaps early Summer. I am confident that I can do it over the course of three days. Eighty miles per day is not that much and I am motivated. I will never hike the Appalachian Trail from end to end. I will never ride across the country. I will have High Point to Cape May.
Getting the knee fixed is step one.
I am not sure how long before I will be able to pedal but I am looking at replacing my 27-year-old wind trainer this winter. Something that is more easily adjusted and can better simulate actual riding….
And I still dream of a new bike…
That will have to be a dream deferred.
Farmers Market in the Morning
I love going to the Farmers Market in Boonton.
Boonton is a small town about ten miles from where I live. An old town sitting on a hill, many of the families go back generations in town. I lived there as a small boy and I have always thought of Boonton as one of my home towns. I lived there three more times as an adult and tried to find a home to buy there but we couldn’t find anything a that time that fit our needs.
I still go to Boonton for my haircuts, and I buy my “good clothes” at the Men’s Shop in town. (reminds me, I have to take my suit in to them for tailoring)
And now Missus and I go to the Farmers Market nearly every Saturday.
This trip serves several purposes. Of course we buy produce there. Wonderful and delicious herbs, fruits, and vegetables. Golden Beets, fresh basil, parsley, squash, peaches, plums and tomatoes. Bunches of kale, spinach and Swiss Chard.
It is also time for Missus and her husband (me) to spend some time together. The dogs and the boys at home while we walk around, pick out of fresh greens, stop for a cup of coffee at the local shop… A very nice way to start our weekend.
I will be heartbroken when it closes for the year…
On Being Me
I am starting to understand who I am now. I am finally beginning to realize I am not fat any longer. I am not by any means skinny, but I am decidedly “not fat”.
The main thing I am starting to understand is I am not defined by my body anymore. I was a fat man. That was inescapable. I was defined, by myself and others, by my size. In describing me it had to start with “well he is a really big guy….”
The change I am beginning to understand is that I am now something other than my physical being. I am something as yet not clearly defined or understood entirely but I can now move to another stage. I can be a me undefined at first by physical size but rather defined by the first impression my personality makes. Much to do to really understand this. Just starting to take form in the fog.
I am wondering when I will start to think of myself as lean.
Drinking my iced tea harbor-side in Bristol RI.
I still think I am fat and when I see a picture of me or catch my reflection in a store window I am still surprised that it is me staring back.
I am not sure I want to think of myself as lean. Maybe it is good that my self-image is of a fat man. Perhaps that will keep me focused and moving forward with the fitness and eating right.
I went to Rhode Island yesterday with Missus to visit friends. With two of the friends we shared the day walking around our old college town, eating a light yet delicious lunch, drinking iced tea on the deck of a harbor-side restaurant, laughing and loving and enjoying the company of friends as only people completely at ease with one another can.
Walking through Bristol RI on a Beautiful Saturday afternoon.
For dinner we were joined by another friend at what I am told is the best sushi restaurant in Rhode Island (thanks Yelp). Again, good food and good company made for an enjoyable evening.
You know you are having a good time when you spend eight hours with people and at the end of the day you wish it were eight more…
I feel like a very different person now than I was 7 months ago. I felt so at ease out in public. I didn’t feel awkward. I didn’t feel conspicuous.
Interesting moment for me at the Sushi restaurant.
When we arrived, the hostess sat us at a table and I excused myself to use the restroom. When I came back the group had moved to a booth. For a moment I was upset. I tried for years to avoid booths at most restaurants because I had so little room for my body. So many booths were too tight for me to fit in comfortably, if at all. So for just a moment I was stressed… Then I remembered that I can fit in booths again. Comfortably. Little things in life that return to you when you lose weight.
Missus and I have lost a combined 150 pounds. Staggering.
The four desperado’s in Bristol. Iced Teas in hand, the harbor in the background, a light breeze blowing, and dear friends by our sides. Does life get better?
I am so very proud of Missus.
Missus in Bristol.
She looks wonderful but much more importantly, she is healthier and setting herself for a future of good health.
Even with my bad knee I enjoyed the walking yesterday. Seeing my old college town with our friends, walking along the harbor, past our old haunts… Much fun.
Not sure I would have attempted to do the NJ to RI round trip in one day before. Felt comfortable doing it yesterday.
Well, much to do today. We are driving to a different farmers market today. We have not been to this one and I am not sure how it is but we will give it a try. On our way up yesterday we decided to take some local roads to get off the highway for a bit. We passed a small farmers market, maybe ten booths. WE picked up some peaches and blackberries. The Blackberries were tasty, a mixture of sweet and tart berries that I loved but Missus enjoyed less because she does not enjoy tart foods as I do. The peaches are among the best I have ever had. Sweet, juicy, at the peak of ripeness and flavors. It was a challenge to keep the juices from running down my arms and chin. A Challenge I lost by the way as my shirt ended up absorbing a few drops of peach juice. Made me regret not buying more….
Missus and Me. We have lost 150 pounds between us. More importantly, we are setting a course for a lifetime of better health.
This is another example of how our approach to food has changed. There were two booths selling fresh-baked goods made with local produce. Peach and berry tortes, cakes, mini-pies, cakes… We walked right by them and didn’t consider buying any. Last summer they would have been in our basket…
Instead we were disappointed that there were few fresh vegetables that we could buy and store in the car for the day… So we will go today..
Sunday and our dear friend stayed over last night after watching the boys yesterday. So bagels and lox and cream cheese for breakfast by way of thanks.
Then getting the boys together and off to the farmers market. This market is on the grounds of a little shopping “destination”. Clever little shops, a few outlet stores… I am hopeful that I can buy some new pants for work while we are there.
Now that I am wearing clothes that fit I look much better. The over-sized clothes made me look either destitute or as though I had been ill. Now I look “right”. Problem is I bought Jeans and no khaki’s to wear to work so I need to find some. Wal-Mart had none that were in my size. Nice when that happens and it is not because they don’t carry that large a size! They seem to have been very low on men’s clothing overall. I am thinking it is because they are transitioning from Summer to Autumn styles….
I hope to get in my walking today at the farmers market. Otherwise I will go to the school track this evening.
This thing with the knee is just killing me. After walking on Saturday and taking an easy stroll with Missus last night I spent today in pain. Unfortunately I had to work and that entails walking around on a concrete floor and that simply did not help matters.
I am happy to report that my weight has dropped below 215 pounds. Not much below, I am at 214.8 just before dinner tonight, but I am willing to take it. I am just shy of 91 pounds down.
Still dealing with naysayers. Even just 4+ pounds from my goal I am listening to people tell me that 210 was too aggressive a goal…
Strange.
Well meaning.
Have a little faith folks….
I have to say. I am tired. The stress from the knee pain and the lack of really comfortable sleep is wearing me out. To find comfort I am finding myself fighting worse than typical urges to eat. There was a delicious looking apple cake at work and I was sorely tempted. I didn’t have any but it looked so good…
Lunch today was unusually light. I had just one package of tuna, 70 calories, instead of my typical two. I just wasn’t hungry but I knew I should have something..
I am really pushing now to get to the goal weight. I can see it, it is so close. I want to get there before the middle of August. Then the task is to keep it there. I am beginning to understand the dynamics of that so I am growing in my confidence that I can maintain the weight at the goal.
I was again giving some thought to how I would observe reaching the weight loss goal.
It is hard not to think about it when nearly everyone asks me that question.
Mostly they want to know what food I am going to go nuts with once I hit the goal. I find that an odd question. Sort of like asking an alcoholic what liquor he will drink when he hits a year sober.
I may have a special dinner. Maybe some shrimp cooked on the grill, a little rice and vegetables on the side. I may allow myself a 2000 calorie day. I won’t go hog-wild. I won’t have cake, or pie. Maybe I will defrost one of the Linzer Torte cookies….
See, here is the thing… This is how I eat now. I don’t splurge, indulge, overeat, gorge…. I eat. I eat well. I eat fish and vegetables and sometimes poultry and I have fruit and I eat the occasional bagel or English muffin… I love the way I eat. I don’t feel cheated, denied, deprived… I am not eating a monastic diet.
I indulged. For 50 years I indulged. For 50 years I was the one who angled to get the last slice, the last cup, the last of everything. If there were a few slices of London Broil left, no need to wrap them. I would eat them. A slice of cake left? I was the one that ate it. I was the one that cleaned the plate and went looking for more. Bagel day? I had two maybe three… Every off-site meeting at work had my mind thinking about where we would eat lunch every customer visit had me thinking about the lunch we would bring in. Dinner with friends? I was the one that knocked off the last of the appetizers…
I indulged and I got to be 310 pounds. I don’t need to indulge now. I need to not indulge.
I will be ecstatic when I get to my goal weight. Certainly 7 or 8 months is not a very long time to lose 95 or 96 pounds. It is fast all things considered. It feels like it has been a long time. To reach the goal…. To get to my target weight and to do it the way I have… This is a wonderful feeling and I know that I will get emotional when I hit the weight.
I know only what this Journey has been like for me. I do not know what others faced with a similar Journey might feel. Everyone is faced with their own demons, their own challenges. I do think that some things translate across.
I have not accepted any excuses from myself or adopted the excuses others have offered me for use.
I do this every day. I do not take days off because one becomes two and two becomes three and soon you find yourself restarting at the beginning…
I exercise. I make sure of it.
I do not blame anyone or anything for my weight that I do not see when I am alone looking in the mirror.
I had to get my mind right at the same time I got my weight and fitness right or I would be back where I started from in no time at all.
The day after the cookout. I passed my most difficult test to date.
I prepared smoked pork shoulder, marinated London Broil, smoked turkey, smoked ribs, hamburgers, hotdogs…. The list goes on and on.
There were homemade salads of all varieties, fruit salads, macaroni salads, potato salads, green salads and cakes and cookies and delicious pastries all brought by the guests.
I had smoked turkey, a little potato salad, a little sweet potato salad and a spoonful of macaroni salad, several veggie burgers and two of my homemade sandwich rolls. I also had some grilled peaches and grilled pineapple.
2400 calories for the day.
I didn’t have the ribs, the pork, the burgers, hotdogs or London Broil.
I had one cookie, one small sliver of chocolate cake and one tiny cannoli.
2400 calories for the day.
I am pleased with that.
There were the expected exclamations about my weight loss, only one or two people asked if I had surgery or was on medications for weight loss. There were many question about how I could resist the wonderful foods being prepared and presented. My answer was simple: I have a plan to get to a place and these foods don’t fit with the plan. I was very pleased with everything I did eat. In truth I probably did go over a bit but I am satisfied.
Today was back on the plan in earnest and I feel very good.
The other topic of conversation was my damaged knee. It is official: torn meniscus, strained tendon and ligaments, fluid on the knee. Next stop will likely be arthroscopic surgery. I will know for sure soon.
I will be off the bike for the remainder of the cycling season and I have been told not to hike or climb but I can walk and that will have to be my main form of exercise until I am healed up and can ride again.
Have to keep moving….
A friend took this picture of me at the grill yesterday. The picture below it is the same pose a year ago. Even I am forced to admit the change is dramatic. Do I feel good about it? Hell yes. I feel great about it.
July 21, 2012 218 Pounds
August 14, 2011 310 Pounds
I do not feel that I can let my guard down, even for a day, but I know that I have made a significant change I my life, my appearance to food, my attitude towards fitness. I am not in the clear, not by a long shot.
I have to keep the guard up, keep the concentration up, stay focused. I have to remember that the failure rate on keep off lost weight is very high, 85% or more. I have to remember that I am just as at risk of failing as anyone else. While I have found a path that works for me, I also must remember how easy it is to lose one’s way along the route.
Yesterday was an unending series of self reminders to stay on course, not wander, not give in to temptation. Don’t have the rib. Don’t have a hotdog. One roll, no burgers… That is life. That is how I live and I am liking it. Yes, it is a hard road at times but a very rewarding one. My energy level, my self-imagine, my comfort… I will not deal with the opposite again. I will not allow myself to lose the ground I fought so hard to gain.
I am done eating for today. I had a bagel with lox, cream cheese, whitefish, onion and tomato. I had a veggie burger on a deli-flat bread with a slice of onion and tomato for lunch. I had smoked turkey and 4 ounces of macaroni salad with one of my homemade rolls for dinner. 1400 calories. Back to the plan, back to following the right path.
I am now 218 pounds. This is the lightest I have been since my sophomore year of college. My weight has rolled back 31 years.
It will bounce up and down. I will gain a couple, lose a few… I am good with that. I have 8+ pounds to my goal weight and I am learning to throttle the weight loss up and down. In other words, I am learning to maintain the weight. I am so comfortable in the skin I am in that it actually makes me nervous. Have to watch that I do not grow complacent or lazy about all this.
Will not gain it back. That is my pledge to myself. I will not gain it back.
The cookout is over and done now. Probably my last big cookout. In the future I think smaller gatherings of groups of friends.
Everything is put away. The left over pork shoulder went home with my brother. All the left over beer went how with my friend SRS and her fellow. The soda will go in to work with me in the morning for my co-workers to enjoy. The extra rolls are in the freezer to be defrosted as needed for Saturday sandwiches… Much less leftover food this year.
Last weekend I twisted my knee and had to end a ride early. By the next day the swelling was gone and in a couple of days the pain was gone as well. I was doing deep knee bends without any discomfort. I figured I had every reason to believe that the issue with the knee was no issue at all. With all this in mind I planned a nice 35 mile ride for today. The bike is back from the shop, the shifters replaced. The bike was all ready to go and so was I. OR so I thought.
Eight miles in to the ride this morning I was thinking that the knee was a non-issue. I felt no pain at all. I was riding very well, averaging just over 18 mile per hour for that first 8-mile stretch. Then, just as I allowed myself to think that the knee was fine, I felt it. First a twinge and then a sharp pain and suddenly the knee felt exactly the way it did as I rode the last few miles of last weekend’s ride.
My Bagel stop on the ride. Good Bagels and a nice little table outside to enjoy the warmth
At ten miles I took a break, had a cup of coffee and a bagel at a local shop and relaxed and tried to not think about the knee. It felt a little better and I started to ride again. And the pain came back again. I decided it would be smart to cut the ride short and I passed on the two hills that I was looking forward to climbing and headed back towards home. I was still riding well, averaging about 15 on the last ten miles of the ride but the hill to home was a bear.
I thought maybe I needed to make a couple of adjustments on the bike. I removed the pedal extension and adjusted the cleat on the right shoe (the right knee is the one hurting) and took a test ride. BIG MISTAKE. Missus had to come fetch me when the pain became too much for me to pedal.
So now it is time to see the Doctor. I have to acknowledge that this is more than a mere twisted knee, or at the very least, it MAY be more than a twisted knee.
SO what do I do now? How do I keep the fitness up when stair climbing and bike riding are not on the agenda?
I will know more of course after I get in to see the doctor. I have to be aggressive about this because the activity is a critical part of the plan for reaching my goals.
Few years back I had Patella Tendinitis in both knees. It caused me to stop riding and on occasion I needed a cane to walk. That lack of activity was a part of why I gained weight and formed the bad habits that lead to obesity. Stairs were a major challenge. Over time that cleared up.
What I am feeling now does not feel like the sort of thing that clears up……
SO I am feeling fear right now. I am afraid of what the potential inactivity will do to my plans. I am fearful of the prospect of not being able to ride or hike. I am afraid that I will miss out on my plans for this year: the ride in Boston, the rides I want to do around here, the century ride I planned on doing in the autumn, making my goal weight by the end of July.
This is a really hard thing for me to face right now. I am able to walk OK, not much discomfort. I will see if I can walk a couple of miles tomorrow without pain…
I need time to absorb all this and I am not sure what I am absorbing yet.
Trying to take a positive out of what right now feels very negative: I was riding very well just before the knee started back in with me. I was also riding on a hot day and was able to deal well with the heat. All this is a testament to how much my fitness has improved.
Have to find the positives…
Here is a positive: 38 inch waist pants are loose on me and it looks like I am drifting closer and closer to a 36. I am at 221 pounds now. SO CLOSE to the two-teens…
There was big, delicious Pizzeria Uno pepperoni pizza on my kitchen island tonight and I had absolutely no desire to have it.
I made salmon on cedar plank for dinner tonight. It was so good. Fresh pineapple for late snack. Very good. A guilty pleasure that I don’t have to feel too guilty about.
Today was a day of very high Highs’ and very frustrating lows’.
I rode today with a club I just joined. A ride planned at 52 miles over roads I know very well. I was prepared, loose, ready to ride. The first 20 miles went very well. One long hill that convinced me that it is time to change the gearing on my bike to accommodate the difficult hills in this area. Otherwise it was rolling hills, light traffic and good camaraderie in a group of 15 or so riders. The ride leader is experienced and really did a good job of keeping the group together..
Then it happened.
On a short but steep hill I had to come up out of the saddle to hammer up the hill and the chain jumped. I lost all momentum and had to pop out of my pedals. I smacked my right knee on the bars or something and I twisted the same knee when I landed. I felt it at the time but was not really aware that it was anything more than a bump on the knee.
It looks MUCH better than it feels
A couple of miles up we stopped for a deli rest and I had a bagel, light on the cream cheese. I kept walking around trying to get my knee to loosen but it wasn’t happening. No one on the ride mentioned that I was bleeding… The blood was the least of it.
After we mounted up and started to ride the knee really let me know it was really unhappy with me. Every incline, no matter how minor, had my knee screaming in pain. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I have ridden with much worse cuts and bruises on me than the cuts on my knee from this mishap. But it was the joint that was hurting, not the cuts. Every push of the pedal sent a stabbing pain towards the pain centers in my brain. My speed dropped from an average of 15 miles per hour to eight, even on the flats and downhills’ offered no reward as I couldn’t hammer the pedals to get up to speed.
As we came to a turn I went straight, knowing that the ride would come out on that street again and I could take the flatter route and meet the group when they came out. Only later did it occur to me that I was now riding alone and if the knee really gave up the ghost I would be on my own in an area known for no cell reception… It did save me 3 miles.
After rejoining the group I rode another 4 miles with the group, barely able to keep up, and then coasted down the longest downhill of the ride, right to the bottom of my street. I said my goodbyes to the group and rode the hill back home painfully and slowly. I had cut 17 miles off the ride but I could not have finished the ride. Missus and the boys went with me to pick up my car at the starting point of the ride. We did have a nice family lunch….
So what started out as a day with great promise turned in to a day of pain and frustration. I KNOW my fitness is sufficient to make the ride. My bike let my body down and my body in turn let me down. This is so frustrating for me.
My goal of an 80 mile weekend will not be met.
I took some aspirin and I will ice everything down and I will see how the knee feels tomorrow. If still painful I will make a doctor’s appointment…
Now I have to worry about being able to ride going forward. Cycling is my exercise. I don’t know what I will do if I cannot ride…
On the Plus Side
On a positive note, when I stepped on the scale this morning I was 223 pounds. This is the lightest I have been since the early 1980′s. I can certainly feel the improvement. Being down this low makes me feel better. Body parts hurt less (recent knee issue not withstanding), I am more energetic, I look better and I am sleeping better.
I discovered I have ribs, cheekbones, a collarbone, and HIP BONES!
With 13 pounds to go to my target weight I am feeling excited and energized. I have a real chance of hitting the goal weight by late July is I can continue to exercise. I know I will stay with the eating plan, I have no desire to eat any other way.
Tonight’s dinner was vegetarian. Greens and squash and sweet potato and Black Rice (yum). All in all right around 700 calories. For the day I am at 1600. I will have to eat more tonight but I will keep it light.
Of course, even though I didn’t finish the ride, I did burn 1800 calories on the section I did. So I am actually well better than my normal in-take Vs burn.
The big goals are still in site. I am on a good pace to make my goal of 210 pounds. I am down 82.6 right now. The progress on fitness continues. The knee may or may not be a set-back, we will see.
I remain optimistic and excited by the Journey, even 180 days in.
When I tell someone I have lost XX pounds I get looks of astonishment. When I tell them when I started the looks turn to uncomprehending shock. Today I was again asked if I had surgery… I understand that. We have a belief that weight loss is near to impossible without drugs or surgery. I am untouched by either.
I don’t know where this will all lead. I could fail ultimately. The battle is a hard one and the war is not nearly won. But I know I do not want to travel this path again. I will continue to fight the battle… Have to. It is the only way to stay lean and fit. I have to fight it. Always. Every day.
When you lose a great deal of weight many things in your life change or start to change or at least feel different.
The thing I notice now is that I am noticed less. I like that. I had the sense when I was in a store or restaurant that I was being noticed. A quick glance, a look on someone’s face…. Now it isn’t like I blocked out the sun… But at 6′ 2″ and 305+ pounds I was an imposing presence and I got looked at.
When I was in Shanghai I was a tourist attraction. People actually asked to have their picture taken with me! Strangers on city streets would stop and gawk at me. At YuYuan Garden a woman with a baby asked to have their picture taken with me because the baby couldn’t keep his eyes from me. This was all accomplished with hand gestures and smiles.
In Guangzhou a car full of people stopped and they all leaned out to take my picture as I walked on Shamian Island. Ya think that might make a person self-conscious?
Grandma and baby boy in YuYuan Garden. I wish I had asked them to take a picture of the three of us with my camera. the little fellow didn’t take his eyes off me.
When I would walk down the aisle of an airplane I could see the look on the faces of the people all ready seated: “oh please, don’t have that mountain sit next to me”…
Now I notice that I am not noticed. I am not unusual. Still a little on the heavy side, I am no one’s idea of HUGE.
When I go in to a bike shop to look at bikes I no longer get the odd look from the staff. When I go in to a store to shop for clothes I no longer get steered to the Big Mans area.
I like the sense of being normal that is coming with being normal sized.
Along with the thinner everything I feel like I have a normal place in the crowd now, not the space and a half I used to occupy.
Not sure if this makes sense to you but it certain feels good to me.
Big Mistake on Bagel Day.
The three day weekend has me off kilter. I didn’t realize that today was Bagel Wednesday at the office. I will typically forego my normal breakfast of cereal and fruit so that I can have a bagel at work on Wednesday. Not realizing that today was Bagel Wednesday I had my normal breakfast and only realized my mistake when I go to the office….
Sigh… No bagel for me today…
In the old days I would have said the heck with it and had the bagel despite already having eaten breakfast.
This isn’t the old days and I am not the old me.
I can’t have it both ways so I passed on the scrumptious looking everything bagel and the tasty cream cheese with lox spread….
I wanted that bagel so… But this is not how I want to be so…
I have to watch the calendar better in the future…
Buying myself a Present.
Not an easy thing for me to do but Missus is insisting. My bike needs new wheels. 10,000 miles and 19 years is very old for bike wheels and mine have seen better days. They won’t stay true, and that is a problem, but the biggest issue is a bulge that developed in the sidewall of the rear wheel. Not repairable. Barely ride-able. I have to keep the brake pads on the rear wheel opened a little further than normal to keep them from rubbing the rim. This reduces braking performance as you might expect….
So I have done my research and I have found a very good wheel-set, two-year old model, brand new wheels, on sale in my price range but I am having trouble pulling the trigger on the purchase. Not sure why. I know it is a good deal. The current model of that wheel-set differs little from the 2-year-old closeout except for the color of the hubs and the graphics on the rim. So why the hesitation? Not sure.
It may be part of the total aversion I have towards rewarding myself. It may be that I am cheap.
I need them, this much is certain beyond a reasonable doubt.
So why can’t I just click the purchase button? Well, Father’s Day is coming…..
I have had a busy day today. Meetings, phone calls, emails and reports. The kind of day that goes by quickly but when it is all done it really doesn’t feel all that productive. The plus side is I completely forgot about lunch until around two O’clock when I finally had a couple of pouches of tuna.
The rain simply refuses to stop and tonight I simply didn’t want to deal with it. Instead I have busied myself with a few things around the house and I walked the hound. This weather simply does not help my mood at all.
This weekend promises to give me a respite from this awful weather as sunshine and 70+ degrees is predicted. I need it. The mood just gets darker and darker.
I am feeling good otherwise. I continue to lose weight and the clothes continue to get looser. I am excited about the prospect of going to my brothers cookout at the end of the month down another 5-8 pounds from where I am now. At his cookout last year I was around 300 pounds. So I have every possibility of going to the cookout 70 pounds lighter than I was last year. Many of the people only see me once a year so their reaction should give me a nice charge.
My cousin the cardiologist may be there and I know he will be pleased at the progress made.
I have to admit I cannot shake this mood right now. I am actually more up at work than I am once I get home. I think it is because at work I must be up. I have to interact with so many people and in so many situations. I have to keep the energy up and the mood up. Once I get home the energy spent just leaves me sullen and grumpy.
I think a few days of sunshine and some time on the bike or the trails will lift me and I will shake this.
Sleeping Well
One very positive effect of the weight loss and the exercise has been the effect on my sleep. I am sleeping like I have been drugged. It is very nice actually. It had been years since I have slept well. Now I am sleeping on my back again and sleeping solidly. When I was very fat I couldn’t sleep on my back. The weight made it harder to breathe easily. Now with nearly 65 pounds gone I find that I can sleep on my back and get a very restful sleep. Another good reason for losing the weight.
But my Car Seat is an Issue
Things you just don’t think about.
I have had my car since 2007. I have been pretty heavy most of that time and the car seat has pretty much molded to the larger me. Now that I am lighter I am having trouble adjusting the seat to the point of comfort. Frankly, the seat just doesn’t fit me very well right now. I am hopeful that either IT or ME will adjust over time…
I think I will make a Turkey.
I think I will smoke up a turkey on Saturday. The weather looks like it will allow and I love the smoked turkey that I make on the smoker in the backyard. It doesn’t take all that long, 5-6 hours depending on the size of the bird, and it is a nice way to get a great deal of flavor in to a relatively low-calorie meal. I don’t eat ribs anymore so I see no reason to smoke any up until my summer cookout. Or pork shoulder, or brisket…. But the smoked turkey, not that fits the plan!
Strange comment of the week
I have heard a few “interesting” comments since I started my weight loss but the one I am getting the most traction out of came this weekend. AN old friend, maybe a about 2-3 inches shorter than I am, asked how much weight I had lost and what I weigh now. I told him I had lost about 63 pounds and was right around 242 pounds. His comment: “Wow, you have lost all that weight and you still weigh more than me!” I just smiled. What else could I do? I am still chuckling….
Mood Improvement
There is something about writing this blog that improves my mood. I feel better now than I did just a few minutes ago when I started to write it.
Today was a day of Stress Tests in the real world. A very difficult day as we struggle to understand some quality issues with one of our largest customers. The VP was involved so that can always add a level of stress. And I am a stress eater.
With all the food around the offices it is easy to fall off the straight and narrow under the best of circumstances. With all the stress today it would have been a perfect set off circumstances….
I behaved.
I avoided giving in
I consider today a major victory.
Not giving in. Not gulping down a donut. A bagel. Cheese puffs, Cookies….. All available and plentiful….
Proud of me today.
I did eat lunch today. I had a little sushi box from the Korean Market across the tracks from work. Three-hundred and fifty calories… Very tasty. Not donuts.
The Education of a Fat Man
Understanding all the triggers is very important for me. I know that I am a stress eater. When I am under stress as I was today I want food. Knowing that I am a stress eater helps because I can have the conversation with myself. “Is this hunger or are you simply looking for comfort amid the stress?” Asking and answering that question helped me avoid today’s pothole along the Journey. I have to understand as many of the triggers as I can. Stress, boredom, social insecurity. Knowing that I am prone to overeat in those situations give me the tools I need to stay away from the dangers.
Spending as much time thinking about the weight loss aspect of this Journey as I do has helped me to understand myself quite a bit better than I did before. I don’t know how well other people know themselves. I only know that I am surprised by some of the things I have learned about me as I have gone along.
I finally came to understand how much certain insecurities have driven me and shaped who I am and how I behave in a wide range of situations. Food is just one of them. The need to please my parents, my grandparents, aunts… drove many of my eating habits. As I have written about before, being the child that was NOT a picky eater was my way of endearing myself to the suppliers of the food: Parents and Grandparents. It was my unique place in the family: the kid that ate. My insecurities about my place in the family drove this for years and to, a degree, they still do. Understanding what part stress eating and hiding behind food to disguise my insecurities in social settings were additional revelations as I have moved along the Journey.
I suppose I can say that I had an inkling about this as the years went by but it was not truly crystallized in my thoughts until I started along this path and I realized I needed to understand the driver behind the overeating.
It is never as simple as it seems to the outside. I think it is easy to marginalize the obese as simply pigs, slobs, gluttons…. But it is not that simple nor is that really very often the case.
Yes, the obese got that way by overeating. However, just as anorexia is more than simply wanting to be thin, obesity is about far more than simply wanting to eat. It is about compulsions, emotional drivers, insecurities, fears… A world of psychological complications and convolutions..
So for this Journey to be a success, I have had to work hard at understanding my drivers. What makes me eat “mindlessly”. What makes me eat when I am full? Why do I have that second, third, fourth, slice, serving, piece?
For all that I have learned so far, I have much yet to discover. Each experience, like today’s stressful day, will teach me more. I will continue to learn about what the drivers are and I will continue to learn how to react, act, respond…
So much to learn and only a life time left to learn it!
Losing my Motivation to the Weather Gods
Still cold and wet out. I would really appreciate the weather improving NOW. I may yet go for a walk tonight but the wet weather, not really the cold, makes it difficult. Saturday morning it is expected to be gray but not rainy so I will try to get some miles in on the bike and then again on Sunday.
I hate this. I find it very hard to go out and walk in this weather. It is so miserable. Cold and wet and windy. I much preferred the dry cold of winter to this slop.
So I have not been out walking as much as normal and my body is not very pleased. I like the walks and so does my body. I sleep better when I have had a good walk in the evening. The Weather Gods obviously do not give a rats rump that I want to walk.
Searching for Mr. Goodbike.
I have been surfing the net looking for a custom bike frame builder. I cannot get my brain to accept that a stock bike might fit me. The problem is that no stock bike ever has. I am told by several knowledgeable sorts that they can fit me to a stock bike now because the way the bikes are designed has changed so much over the years. Still I am having trouble accepting this.
So I am looking for a frame builder.
There is a Husband-Wife team here in my state and not far from me that is building a good reputation. The problem there is cost… Not sure I can justify what their frames cost. The advantage of course is I can meet with the in person and get fitted and discuss my riding style and what I want from a bike.
I found a frame builder in the middle of nowhere Washington State. He has a good reputation and runs a small one-man shop. His prices are excellent and as mentioned he has a good reputation. The disadvantage is that we would be working over the phone with measurements written on a form. I wouldn’t know much about the frame until it is delivered….
August 2010. I am leaner than that now and certainly more fit. We had just finished a 35 mile ride on the North Fork of Long Island and I retore my right calf muscle on the ride mainly by being stupid…..
Maybe I should go for the stock bike… The advantage there is cost. Same level of equipment for a grand or more less…..
My plan with a custom is to buy the frame and then build up the rest of the bike with components bought on sale, closeout, ebay….
Decisions…
Well, in the mean time my existing bike is working OK for me even if I am getting neck and back pain because I am not as flexible as I was when the bike was built….
The secret now is to get in the miles… Still looking for a local cycling partner……
In which I contemplate absurd moments in parenthood, occasionally attempt to refer to myself as a “triathlete” while keeping a straight face, and maybe post some random pictures of stuff I’m knitting
"For heaven's sake (and for the Earth's), let's get it together. Get out there! Listen! The wild places will fill you up. Let them." Walkin' Jim Stoltz, 1953 - 2010
Dedicated to giving you the truth about your weight and weight loss using peer-reviewed scientific journals and medical textbooks. No fads, no gimmicks, just truth. Don't let ignorance stand in your way!
Excruciating, crippling pain, major surgery needed but massive weight loss is a must, first. Here's my story of how I overcame what seemed impossible...
I doubt I will be walking the Preserve again before December. So wonderful. So Frustrating. So far from when I started this Journey. Now walking is my joy, my comfort, my time for meditation.
Do I feel good? HELL YES. I feel like life is back in my hands. I feel in control of my world. I am not a spectator. I am a participant again.
I have learned that it will not be given to you. No magic, no wishes, no lottery winning, is going to make it happen. I had to get involved in my life. I had to find my way to the destination. I have found it. I continue to find it, to explore, to discover. I am in control and I am running MY show.
